The Avalanche At Lunch Time!

I suppose I could tell you of today's unexpected bus journey involving a granny in leopard print leggings, three old gents that carried on a shouted conversation whilst sitting several rows apart and the woman who provided the musical entertainment because she just couldn't decide on which ringtone she wanted to use on her phone, but I won't. Not today.

Today's short brush with reality came in a cafe in Pontypridd.

I had just ordered my ham salad sandwich and a coffee.  As I sat and waited for it to arrive at my table, I contemplated 1. Across; Salty donkey, perhaps? (9).

I penned in 'Assaulted' and proceeded to 2. Across; Penny for them (8).

'Thoughts' I wrote, then turned towards the cafe's door, which had just been flung open and sent  the umbrella stand flying.

Advancing like a Lycra avalanche, three perpetrators of the world elastic shortage blobbed there way into the cafe.
Between them there must have been at least a mile of elasticated waistband's on those Lycra sports pants!
After some rearrangement of tables and chairs they eventually seated themselves.

My sandwich and coffee arrived and I began to eat. From the other table - thankfully some distance away as I feared what would happen if those elastic waistbands lost their fight to subdue so much blubber - I listened as they ordered.

To my surprise, all three of them ordered salad!
  
But it was short lived as they all began to order in earnest.
Double cheeseburger, chips, beans, sausage and sticky-toffee puddings were mentioned along with pizza, kebab and roast chicken. Coke, milkshake and coffee to wash it all down!

I could go on, but it's making me hungry!

They were served relatively quickly and were eating like there was no tomorrow as I polished off the crumbs of my meagre sandwich.

I finished 24. Down; A meal to die four or ban (7).
 
That one had me going for a while!

'Banquet' I wrote.

There was a scraping of chairs, and indeed, tables as the multidimensional trio extricated itself from the places. 

I hastily folded my newspaper, left money on the plate to pay for my food and drink, then high-tailed it out of the door.

If one of them had become jammed in the doorway, I could have been there an awful long time!

Hitler Caused It All!

I'm short on time today so let's press on, shall we?

This guy, let's call him Donald, whom I bumped into in a cafe, stunned me yesterday by telling me all about how Adolf Hitler started the Korean War by invading Japan ... which is in Mongolia, apparently!

No, no, no!  I know what you are thinking, but you are wrong!  Donald was not, and has never been,a client of mine.  He was, more than likely,a client of someone though.

For a second ... but only for a second ... I thought of correcting him but then the inquisitive side of me took over and decided to see exactly where this conversation would end.

"It was all Hitler's fault" he said. "He sank the Titanic you know!"

He went from this revelation straight into a tirade about the local town council and how they could improve  public transport by simply giving everyone a car!

"And it all started when Archduke wosshisname let himself get assassassass ... killed!"

"That was World War 1" I ventured.

"Nah!  That was Hitler as well" he replied. "He did that because of all that time he had to spend writing a book about Karl Marx or something."

Thankfully at this moment his sausage, egg and chips arrived.

I drained the dregs of my coffee and said "I'm off, before Hitler invades this joint looking for a sandwich!"

But I had already been forgotten as Donald tucked into his meal.

Three Chins, A Fat Ass And A Babe In Boots

There I was, in a cafe eating my bacon sandwich and drinking my latte, when in walked three women.

They sat at a table directly in my line of sight, which was annoying as they blocked my wonderful view of the dustbins that were lined up on the street outside awaiting the attention of our local waste management operatives.

I looked at them instead.

There was a blonde one: she was podgy and had at least three chins, although a re-count may have revealed more. Hence forth know as TC (Three Chins)

There was one with rust-brown hair: she made chubby look slim and her bottom, in my opinion, definitely needed a second chair. Hence forth know as SC (Second Chair)

And there was an auburn haired Babe in boots up to her knees: Tall and shapely, but with a huge piece of clunker on the third finger of her left hand. Damn! Hence forth know as Babe (er ... Babe).

TC was obviously the 'dominant' one as it was she who decided where they sat.

"This ones good" said TC.

"Why not sit by the window?" asked SC.

"THIS is where I want to sit" spat TC as she pulled out a chair.

Babe said nothing, but offered an embarrassed look at the other customers as if apologising for TC.

Coats were removed and draped over chairs and they all sat.

TC took charge of the only menu on the table and asked "What's everyone having?"

Babe spoke. "Pot of tea for me and perhaps a cheese and ham melt"

"Have a latte, dear.  They're very good!" said TC and Babe  - poor meek Babe - capitulated without a struggle.

 SC was a little smarter than Babe and tried to fend off any 'correction' by TC by asking "What do you recommend?" she asked.

TC pulled her glasses down and perched them precariously on the very tip of her nose and peered over them at SC.

"It's a 'greasy spoon' cafe, dear!  I wouldn't even recommend being here if it wasn't raining so hard" she said.

"Oh!" said a deflated SC. "In that case I'll just have a salad.  Can't go wrong with a salad, can you!"

Babe rolled her eyes and she looked out of the window.

"Don't get me started on salad's, dear" said TC. "I could  tell you tales .... "

And she proceeded to list a number of establishments where she'd had run-in's with waiters, chef's and management regarding the inferior salads they had to offer.

TC never whispered or spoke in a slightly more guarded manner about any subject that was brought to the table.  Babe and SC, in those few seconds that were available to them, spoke in subdued and somewhat embarrassed  tones, receiving one or two snapped "Speak up dear"s from TC.

I learned during my spell of eavesdropping, that this was a regular girlie-day-out thing that they were engaged in and that they met every Friday.  Babe and SC were obviously uncomfortable in the company of TC, but TC seemed to revel in her leadership and dominance, as it were, over her friends.

I caught many a glance from SC and Babe that seemed to both ask for forgiveness (for TC) and plead for rescue.  I was tempted to say something to TC about her volume and tone, but to be honest ... she scared me!

I paid and left.

As I walked past the window of the cafe, TC was busy lecturing the waitress, no doubt on how to wait on tables, SC was sitting on her hands and looking at the floor and Babe was looking longingly out of the window.  When she saw me she gave a half hearted wave and shrugged!

I somehow felt guilty at leaving SC and Babe in the clutches of TC ... but what could I do?

I'm just not that brave!