Old Tom

 

 

 

 

The Waiting Room

The bus journey I took yesterday sparked some rather strange thoughts.

My 'companion' fell asleep on route so I was free to let my imagination run,as it so often does, riot.

My attention was first drawn to The Bucket Man.  He was in his fifties, I would guess, and carried a red plastic bucket with a white lid.

I couldn't help but imagine that bucket being used, in the absence of toilets on board, for 'personal' use.  I also imagined a queue of desperate, jogging-on-the-spot passengers forming behind him.

But my thoughts were hi-jacked when we encountered a broken down bus at the side of the road. The engine cowling had been raised and the driver stood shaking his head as he awaited recovery.

In my mind I saw the driver, a saddle thrown over his shoulder, saying his goodbye's to faithful friend before drawing his colt 45 and putting a bullet into the bus's radiator to end it's pain and suffering.

But then I saw an article (over the shoulder of the man in front of me) in the local paper.

This is the result of what I saw...

The Waiting Room was white walled without any apparent doors to facilitate entrance or exit.

Over thirty people, including Hitler (sitting next to Genghis Kahn and Julius Caesar), Mother Theresa, Gandhi and Andy Williams sat on chairs lining the walls.

They chatted amongst themselves until, as if by magic, a man dress in a white robe seemed to walk through the wall.

"Hello" he said. "My name is Desmond. I'm here to facilitate your transfer to your next plane of existence,be it Heaven or Hell."

Mother Theresa raised her hand.

"Yes?" Said Desmond."You have a question?"

"Isn't the Arch Angel Gabriel supposed to meet?" she asked.

"Well, normally, yes. But I'm afraid he's had to pop out and do a spot of smiting, so I'm standing in for him" answered Desmond.

"Smiting?" she said. "He's fighting the Devil?"

"Not exactly" said Desmond. "I believe it has something to to do with the Lady Gaga tickets he was sold and their, erm,legality. He's a big fan!"

He shuffled his feet for a moment then said "Shall we, erm, crack on, as it were?"

An iPad appeared in his hand.

"Don't you just love technology?" he said.

"So! Hitler ..." said Desmond as he scrolled down the iPad list. "Oh dear! It doesn't look as if there is anything you have never done! Bad, bad, bad!"

"I've never worn a women's underwear!" blurted Hitler.

"Erm, 14th of February 1932, I believe. Oh dear! You ... you ... What on earth did you think you were doing with that carrot? Definitely Hell for you!"

"Hell?  What have I ever done ..." protested Hitler as he faded away to nothing and departed for Hades.

"Next ..." 

Desmond called out name after name, declared them good or bad, saint's or sinner's, and despatched them to their destination.

"And now we come to ... Oh dear! Tooth Fairy?"

"'ry"

"Speak up!" ordered Desmond.

"'orry!"

"Oh my word.What have you done?"

"'m innocent!"

"Innocent? You stopped collecting children's teeth"

"'orry!"

"Instead you concentrated on removing the gold teeth of the American Rapper community! Where are those teeth, may I ask?"

"I ain't saying nuth'n!"

"Well you leave me no choice, Tooth Fairy! I hereby sentence you to 1 year rehabilitation and re-training. Hurry along to the Training wing! Mr. Disney will be waiting for you!"

The Tooth Fairy faded.

"And that just leaves you, Mr. Williams. Oh,I see you were a singer and entertainer. Oh well, no problem there then. Yes! Yes! An exemplary life. You seem to have handled yourself at all times as a gentleman and all round nice guy."

"Why, thank you!" said Andy Williams. "That's very kind of you to say so."

"Yes" continued Desmond. "It seems to be a foregone conclusion that you are destined for Heav... Oh my word! Oh dear!"

"What? What is it? What have you found?" said Andy as he began to sweat.

"Well, erm, this puts .... erm, oh dear! I thought Ed Sullivan was to blame for that! But it was YOU!!!"

"What? Am I going to Hell? What?" screamed Andy.

"Two words, Mr.Williams ...

THE  ...

OSMOND'S!!!!"

"Oh shit!" exclaimed Andy as he faded. "I'd forgotten about them!!!


I grew up watching the Andy Williams Show and much preferred his kind of entertainment over that of other singers and entertainers more appropriate to my generation. He was a much admired man and talented man who will be sorely missed.

I hope no one deems this post disrespectful! That is not how it was intended!
   

A Damp Patch Of Reality

At 5.45 am this morning I sat outside in the garden and watched the dogs as they strolled around looking for the right place for their morning pee.

There was a strange silence.

No bird song, no sound of traffic, no sound from neighbours.

Silence!

It was so peaceful!

I felt that I was alone in the world (except for my dogs) and I remember thinking this is perfect!

I looked around.

There was a spiders web industriously being spun by an ugly brute of a spider just under the top rail of the decking.

I could see small drops of dew glistening on the silky web.

I looked at the grass. Dew twinkled there also as the early morning light gained strength.

I looked at the patched up fence (damaged by high winds at the beginning of May) and thought it's about time I did something about that, and knew instantly that I wouldn't ... not for a while at least.

Then, as if a switch had been flipped, birds began to sing and the sound of cars could be heard.

A beeping alarm clock could be heard from an open window somewhere.

I heard a door open and then close again as one of our neighbours let their dog into the garden for his morning ablutions.

A chill to started creep through my bones.

Time for a coffee, I thought.

The return of sound had shattered that magical and serene moment and my garden became just another patch of grass.

I stood up and went back into the house. The dogs followed and went to their food bowls with an expectant look on their faces.

I went upstairs and changed my trousers.

Not only had I sat in seagull shit, but I had planted my arse onto a garden chair soaked with early morning dew that I had moments before thought of as glistening and twinkling, but now thought of as bloody wet.

Just a little touch of heaven and a damp patch of reality.

What a start to the day!

The End Of The World

I have to be honest with you all.

I was busy!

"But you are always busy!" screamed my reader (after some vigorous prompting).

Yes, but this time I was busier than usual and I think I might have missed then end of the world.

"Never mind!" said my reader in condescending tones.  "Another one will be along in a minute!"

Yeah, but this is, like, the third 'end of the world' I've missed.  How many more are there?

'Only one you need to worry about!'

Reader?  Was that you?

"      !" said my reader, to the sound of running feet disappeared into the distance.
---

It's true though that I always miss important events.  I think the last one, which I witnessed along with almost the entire world, was that guy who said "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind" or some such.
So it wouldn't surprise me in the least if I missed Armageddon.

Just on the off-chance that I did miss it ... where am I now?

Was I one of the  'beamed-up' good guy's or am I roasting in the fires of hell?

If I start to char around the edges, I guess I'll know!