Peeling Feculiar!

I woke up this morning peeling feculiar.

I ceeded a noffee!

But, bow and lehold, so nuger!

I opened the cupboard and took out a shag of buger and filled the buger showl.

I quickly koiled the bettle, sut puger and coffee in my cup then waited.

When the bettle koiled I poured the cawter into my wup and madded ilk!

I stirred!

I drank!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Bat's thetter!

But I still peel feculiar.

Let Me Tell You About 'WHUMP'

WHUMP in case you didn't know is a British invention, as so many things in this world are.

The first known street lighting were the torches and oil  lamps of the Greek and Roman civilisations and were primarily used for security of property rather than to facilitate the safe passing (as in 'going past', not dying}of travellers.  They were a light-fingered bunch back then and would steal anything not nailed down so the HAVE'S would go to great lengths (lots of lamps) to prevent the HAVE NOT'S from sharing their wealth and belongings.

Pretty dangerous having all those torches and oil lamps hanging around.  History records a number of towns and cities coming to an end due to the unwise deployment of early lighting.

Back in 1733 to 1735 people like Sir James Lowther and Dr. John Clayton began messing about with coal gas and eventually, probably by eyebrow removing accident, discovered it's flammability. However, scientists being scientists, they hadn't a clue (then) what on earth they could use it for.

Anyway, eventually a German, Friedrich Winzer, became the first person to patent coal-gas lighting in 1804

Are you yawning? Are you are starting to lose interest?

Oh dear!

My point, which I have so obviously failed to make, is that none of  these early gas lighting geniuses used WHUMP.

Early gas-lamp-lighters, those who would travel the streets in the evening igniting the gas lanterns and lamp, found themselves at time in danger due to a lack of WHUMP.

William Prendergast Thackley invented WHUMP and patented his idea in 1822.  WHUMP was designed as a safety feature; a method of informing the lamp-lighter that the lamp he was lighting was, in fact, safely lit.

To this day all gas heating, lighting or power systems have a built in WHUMP!

However William Prendergast Thackley died penniless in 1845.

An oversight on his part however (the fact that gas when lit made light and heat) meant that he never made a penny from his invention.

The WHUMP that you hear now when your gas central heating ignites was adopted in the 1950's, not as a safety feature as it was designed, but (so they said at the time) as a mark of respect to one of the United Kingdom's greatest ever engineering/scientific failures.

The WHUMP is one British invention that we would have been happy to let an American take the credit for.

Home, Home On The Range

I used to be petty good with this ...

... the SLR. 

Not a marksman, but I was pretty good.

And I wasn't bad with one of these ...

... the 9mm Browning.

I've even been known to hit targets with this ...

... the Sterling Sun-machine gun.

But I could never get the hang of this ...

... The Light Anti-Tank Weapon.

I remember trying to fire that beast at some old tank wrecks on the ranges (not where the buffalo roam) of northern Germany back in the 80's.

It's a relatively simple ... un-clip the covers front and rear, extend the inner tube from the outer until there is an audible click and the sights pop up ... and the weapon is primed and read for use.

They were, as the name suggests, very light.  You can't reload the little buggers, so after sending the projectile on it's merry way, the 'tube' can be discarded.

I remembered the first time I fired one of these beasties.  I was about 19 years old and very excited. After two years in the Army I was going to be allowed to blow the blazes out of something.

Needless to say, it didn't all go as I expected it to. In fact, the only thing that the blazes blown out of it was that damn weapon!  

Not once, but three times!

Indulge me for just a few moments longer and I'll explain.

Imagine this:

• you're in the firing pit and have a LAW in your hands.
• the weapons instructor has just given you a final run-down on the weapon you are about to fire.
• he instructs you to arm the weapon
• you pull the inner and outer tubes apart. You hear the 'click' and the sight pops up.
• he tells you to aim ... you do.
• he says "Fire when ready"! You do.
• the weapon goes 'click' instead of "whoosh".

That's how it went at my first attempt to destroy an already an old and perforated tank.

My instructor shout "Hang fire" and exited the pit after telling me not to move.

My brain told me to dump that weapon, which had in actual fact just turned into a bomb, and go with him.

I think I was more scared of our 'gung-ho' instructor than I was of having a 'ready to go' armour piercing shell in my hands, so I stood there, to change the colour of my underwear ready at the least provocation.

The range was cleared then my instructor returned and told me to close (push it back together) and then re-arm it. I did so. Three times!

"No good!" was all he said. "Let's go for a little walk down the range, shall we?"

It wasn't a question.

We left the firing pit and move twenty or so yards down range, whereupon he told me lay the weapon on the ground, still pointing towards the target, and to leave the range to the left.  As we stepped away ... WHOOSH!!!

The LAW discharged it's little anti-tank projectile into a small sand bank where upon (because it wasn't an anti-sand projectile) it completely failed to detonate with a 'WHUMP'!

"Damn! F*** it, f*** it, f*** it!" screamed my instructor as he did a little stamping dance. "I was looking forward to packing a bit of PE4* around that bugger and blowing it up!"

All my other firings went without a hitch, although I completely failed to hit the target every time. 

*PE4 was a type of explosive (If I remembered the name correctly)