Weeves And Jooster

Jooster climbed off the billiard table and strolled, stretching as he went, into the hallway.

"Dash it, Weeves! Can't a man snatch forty winks without being disturbed by that constant bally racket?" he said to his man servant,Weeves, who was approaching from the direction of the staff quarters.

"Sadly, sir, it would appear to be, as Mr Spud, the wurg wangler had informed me, 'normal behaviour' for the gentry in these parts" answered Weeves.

"What?" exclaimed Jooster. "But there were people screaming! I heard an ambulance earlier on and I thought I heard shots fired! And someone was bouncing around on a bed upstairs like a child on a trampoline! Normal?"

"Indeed, sir. The country gentry do have their 'little foibles', sir".

"Foibles, ay Weeves?. What would they be exactly?" asked Jooster.

"Well, sir, I gather from Mrs Purgatory, the cook, that young Edward, the boot boy, was once again discovered in the room of Miss Hipple, the housekeeper. She caught him wearing a pair of her bloomers, sir!"

"That would be the screaming in theWest Wing, I take it?"

"Very astute, sir".

"So the screams would be of the boy, Edward, being punished, would it?"

"Oh, no sir! Miss Hipple does indeed have a penchant for the slapping of unruly bottoms, but I fear on this occasion, it is was young Edward doing the slapping and Miss Hipple, the screaming"

"By jove, Weeves!"

"Quite, sir. A most unusual form of punishment, I agree, but very satisfying ... erm, so I've been led to believe,sir".

"And the ambulance, Weeves?  said Jooster.

"Old Mr Bracegirdle, the gardener, sir. An accident in the rose garden".

"And the shots?"

"Old Mr Bracegirdle again I fear, sir.  His Lordship recently purchased a new shotgun and he was keen to try it out, sir, hence the accident in the garden and the ambulance".

"I say! He shot the gardener?"

"Not at first, sir. He didn't actually score a hit until Mr Bracegirdle became ensnared in the Noisette."

"The what?"

"Roses, sir!"

"And what, by heavens, was all that racket in the room above the billiard room? The bouncing and shouting?"

"That, sir, would have been James, the footman, and Charlotte, the chambermaid, in Lady Agatha's bedroom. I believe, to use the common vernacular, James was, in fact, 'giving her one', sir!"

"One what?"

Weeves made a gesture.

"Oh! I say! Lady Agatha will blow a bally gasket!"

"She may well indeed, sir, but I fear that will only be the case should she run out of film".

"Film, Weeves?"

"Yes, sir. Lady Agatha is at this very moment indulging in her favourite pastime".

"Which is?"

"Home movies, sir".

"You mean ..."

"In her bedroom, sir, yes".

"Damn it, Weeves!"

"Sir?"

"These country folk are too strange for my liking! Car, Weeves! We're going back to London!"

"I have already taken the liberty of packing your Inflatable Ingrid and gels, sir!"

"Good man, Weeves! What would I do without you!"

"One shudders to think,sir. One positively shudders, sir!"