Connections: Windows, Farts and Cheese.

This morning, as my stubby little fingers hovered over the keyboard awaiting a spot of creative brain activity, the word 'defenestration' (in a Belgian Poirot-like accent) popped into my mind.

As I was panning to write about the bacterial farts that create the holes in cheese, I was somewhat surprised.

It's a grand word, I admit, but I was totally at a loss as to what it meant.

I refused point blank to resort to Wikipedia, or some similar site, for a definition and resorted to some good old fashioned brain wracking in order to work out it's meaning.

'I'm a smart chap' I thought. 'I should be able to work this out!'

And I did!

Of course it means the act of throwing someone or something from a window.

Problem solved!

But it begs the question 'why did I think of it in the first place?'

It's not as if the bacteria in cheese - the bacteria that farts, thus creating all those holes - would ever want to throw anything out of a window ... even if there were windows in cheese.

And why would that word pop into my mind in a Belgian accent?

I have no answers, I'm afraid, other than perhaps I'm losing my sanity. After all who in their right minds would contemplate writing an article about cheese full of farty holes? Perhaps that is what pushed me over the edge.

Anyway, it's nice to be back after my short break!

TWANG!!!

There are times ... hard times ... when I feel stressed.

You would never know when one of these 'times' was upon me ... unless you were very, very unlucky ... as I have become very adept at keeping it all bottled up.

But it seems that sometimes life and all it's horrors (that creep up on me like a very quietly charging bull elephant) are out to get me!

These are the times that my elasticated sanity is stretched almost to snapping point only to be thankfully twanged back into some semblance of normality, leaving me with a huge feeling of relief, in very much the same way as a first time bungee jumper will feel relieved when they realise that the bungee cord IS going to hold them after all.

Today is one of those days!

But I'm still waiting for the TWANG !

My dog has cancer!  My car is once again off the road!  Money is scarce!

And I don't have many friends (not everyone likes my sense of humour)!

And I just hate everybody and everything!

......

Ok! So I've just taken a short break from writing. I've had a coffee and trawled the internet for more pictures that I can add captions to,  and ... TWANG!!! ... I'm feeling a little bit better!

My problems are not gone, but I do feel a little bit more capable of dealing with them.

Common sense tells me I should now delete this post and keep my little secret but logic tells me that I wouldn't feel a little bit more able to cope if I hadn't actually started to write it all down.

So it's here to stay.

Of course, it could be all just down to watching all those women giving themselves wedgies whilst running in the final leg of the Triathlon on TV that cheered me up.

Secret Monologues!

I suppose, now that I sit down to share another of my secrets with you, that everyone does it.

And it's not the same as talking to yourself, is it?

Maybe you have found yourself doing it too!

I refer, of course, to the silent monologues that we carry out in the privacy of our own heads whilst conversing with another.

I seem to do it all the time and it's becoming a constant worry to my sanity, which is always on watch for any signs of diminished capacity .... well, at least of any increased signs.

"Don't say that out loud" says my sanity. "Shhhh"!

No, the silent monologues are a worry to me.

But, so far, I haven't allowed them to become actual conversations with myself, have I?

No!

I don't openly discuss anything with anyone but those that stand before me, do I?

Of course you don't!

No!

The monologues go something like this;

Me:      "Hello! How are you today?"
            Look at that zit on his nose! That thing's gonna go pop any second. 

Them:   "Hi, I'm fine! How are you?"

Me:      "I'm cool"
            or at least I would be if that zit wasn't so close. 
            I don't wanna get covered in puss when it blows!

Them:   "Well, I hope you a nice day".  

Me:      No you don't! "Yeah, you too!" like I really care.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't the best example, but that is, more or less, how they go.

Hmmmmm!

Perhaps I shouldn't have told you.

Don't you look at me like that!

Like what?

Stop it!

Me? What'd I do?

Boys! Don't argue!

Sanity Lost Or Mega Porky?

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Yeah, well ... I'm sorry to have kept you all waiting.  I know how much you all hang on my every word and dream of reading another smidgeon of the literary torture that I put you through.

The reason I was late?  

Simple!  

I couldn't be bothered!

I'm not talking about the run of the mill couldn't be bothered that we all go through once in a while.  No, this time I mean a "Why am I here? What's it all  about?" kind of couldn't be bothered.

For a while there I thought a shrink (I can't spell psychiatrist) would have to make a house call.

Actually it wasn't that bad, but I did have a minor crisis which would have caused me to acquire a few more grey hairs ... had I still had some, but it was all pretty silly really.  

I was sitting here ... right here, just like now ... and I thought 'Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!'

You see, I'd been planning a really witty post ... one of those filled with a host of double meanings and literary sharp sticks that poke fun at people ... when suddenly I realised that I'd lost my notes!  Yes!  For this post I had notes ... and I'd lost them.   

I went through the 'Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!' phase several times as I tried to recall what I'd wanted to write.  I ate two packets of chocolate chip cookies in pure, unadulterated frustration, washed down by numerous cups of coffee.  All to no avail!

I was at the end of my tether and, after questioning my mental faculties and indeed my very existence, I found myself wallowing in pit self pity and frustration.  I was teetering on the very edge of sanity with little hope of salvation!

You don't believe me?

You don't, do you!

OK!  You're right! I was telling a porky (pork pie = lie).

I was enjoying some time off work and had some friends from Germany staying with me and was, in general, just too busy to get my backside behind the keyboard.

But that wouldn't really be as interesting, would it!

Sorry to have disappointed you.