Am I? Or Am I Not?

I had my calls cancelled today (except this evening's) so I popped to the corner shop to buy myself a chocolate treat.

As I came out, an old man who was just going in, pointed at me and said "Ah!"

Then he said "Oh!"

I stepped to one side as he entered the shop.

"Sorry?" I said.

Without even looking at me he said "I thought you were someone, but you're not".

That was a 'deep' statement and as I walked home I couldn't help but wonder 'What or who the hell am I?'

I'll have to wait until the plumber comes to fix the leaky radiator and ask him!

Another Christmas

It's that time of year and we've spent our hard earned cash,

on cards and presents and a good Christmas bash.

We'll all get presents that will force us to smile,

and the gift that you wanted will be missed by mile.

There'll be books, chocolate, underwear and socks,

just the usual gifts but no great shocks.

Then food galore will be dumped on the table,

and we'll gorge ourselves till we're no longer able.

There will be burps and farts and occasional snore,

until all we ate settles then we go back for more.

We'll sit around the TV and watch the Queen's speech,

and get the usual guest that hangs on like a leech.

When the evening comes there's more food to eat,

at least for those that can still find their feet.

For the sherry has flowed and beer has been drunked*,

for the oldies some tea in which biscuits are dunked.

We'll all sing some hits of a bygone era,

and remember those absent, like my cousin Vera.

Then off the guests go to their own little homes,

waddling merrily like drunken garden gnomes.

The washing up and the mess that they made,

unwashed and untouched in the dining room stayed.

Then it's off to bed feeling ever so stuffed,

my amorous advances ignored and rebuffed!


* artistic license 

Humour In Chocolate

Time: Too Long On The Toilet

The freshly sliced seconds, minutes and indeed hours of 2012 speed past me, turning my future into my past without so much as a 'by your leave'.  Time is passing me by at such a rate that I can almost hear the hiss as it squeezes itself through the air.

My 'future', so far ahead of me yet already considering retiring into my 'past', never seems to stick around long enough to make an impact as my 'present'.

I mean, come on!  What is the purpose of a future if you can't use it as a present?

My future is infinite ... provided that I don't kick the bucket

My past is 52 years old and ageing rapidly.

My present?

Oh! There goes another one! And another ...

You see?

Presents go by so quickly that you can't use them!

Oooo!  Did ya see that one?

I hate time!

There you go!  That's my morning grump out of the way.

Let's talk some shit!

Erm, anyone done anything, ya know, wicked?

Have you been bad?

I did!

I ate far too much chocolate over Christmas and New Year.

Man!

That stuff really makes you wanna go.

It can keep you on the 'throne' for hours at a time if you over do it.

What?

Well it does!

Dilemma Averted

Last night ... as I was eating some chocolate ... Oh, the pain!

I somehow contrived to bend my right thumb backwards or something.  My God! It hurt!

The pain was severe and my whimpering brought my wife rushing to my side.

"What have you done?" she asked.

I told her.

"Do you want to strap it up?  Go to A&E? What?" she said.

I um'd and ah'd.

"Well?" she asked,her impatience growing. "What are you going to do?"

It was an easy choice in the end.

"I'll have to eat my chocolate using my left hand, won't I!"

Sanity Lost Or Mega Porky?

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Yeah, well ... I'm sorry to have kept you all waiting.  I know how much you all hang on my every word and dream of reading another smidgeon of the literary torture that I put you through.

The reason I was late?  

Simple!  

I couldn't be bothered!

I'm not talking about the run of the mill couldn't be bothered that we all go through once in a while.  No, this time I mean a "Why am I here? What's it all  about?" kind of couldn't be bothered.

For a while there I thought a shrink (I can't spell psychiatrist) would have to make a house call.

Actually it wasn't that bad, but I did have a minor crisis which would have caused me to acquire a few more grey hairs ... had I still had some, but it was all pretty silly really.  

I was sitting here ... right here, just like now ... and I thought 'Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!'

You see, I'd been planning a really witty post ... one of those filled with a host of double meanings and literary sharp sticks that poke fun at people ... when suddenly I realised that I'd lost my notes!  Yes!  For this post I had notes ... and I'd lost them.   

I went through the 'Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!' phase several times as I tried to recall what I'd wanted to write.  I ate two packets of chocolate chip cookies in pure, unadulterated frustration, washed down by numerous cups of coffee.  All to no avail!

I was at the end of my tether and, after questioning my mental faculties and indeed my very existence, I found myself wallowing in pit self pity and frustration.  I was teetering on the very edge of sanity with little hope of salvation!

You don't believe me?

You don't, do you!

OK!  You're right! I was telling a porky (pork pie = lie).

I was enjoying some time off work and had some friends from Germany staying with me and was, in general, just too busy to get my backside behind the keyboard.

But that wouldn't really be as interesting, would it!

Sorry to have disappointed you.

My Biggest Asset & Biggest Hate

Driving through Cardiff today could best be described as a rather slow and painful bowel movement.

At one of those annoying little snag-points ... old people just can't  find the accelerator when the light turns green ... I got to thinking ... what do I hate most?

Is it all those face-painting babe's that always ... ALWAYS ... do their make-up at traffic lights?  NO!

Is it old age pensioners that drive as though every day was a Sunday and the church doesn't open for another hour or two?  NO!

Is it the fact that my company expects me to be in two places at once that are 20 miles apart? NO!

Is it ... oh, bollocks to the list ... what I hate most ... don't laugh ... is my stomach!

Yes, it's grown to proportions that have put Green Peace on alert (in case I need to be dragged back into the see) and has almost taken on a personality of it's own.  I saw it wobble ... several times!

Normally my appearance is of little importance to me as I've always just assumed that I look good and that was always enough for me.

Last week however, I viewed a photograph of myself at a local fair and ... the very thought of that photograph makes me cringe ... it looked like I was at least 7 months pregnant.

I thought I told you folks not to laugh!!!

My exercise days are long behind me and the time when I could run 15 miles with full kit and a rifle are in my very distant past.

As there is no way that I'm going to start pounding the streets or hop on a treadmill again, I find myself left with only one option ... a diet.

I think 5 to 8 kilos would be nice ...

... 2 to 3 more realistic.

Let me just finish this bar ... very large bar ... of chocolate and then I'll start ... just after a slice or two of chocolate cake.

Listen To The F-Word

I can hear it!

Can you?

Listen!

A most definite reverberation ... a hum ... a grumble ... filtering through to my ears.

Give it a chance ... wait!

Got it?

It's almost hidden by the background static of our daily smattering of audio-smog.

Can you hear it now?

Yes!  It's the constant muttering of the post-Christmas survivors as they begin to assess the 'damage' of the festivities and the volume is rising as they all begin to make the same horrific discovery.

As they tear at their hair, they are all muttering one word ... the "F"-word.

People all over the globe are saying it right now and, if you are patient and can wait until their frustrations begins to bubble, you will also hear them saying the "D"-word, closely followed by the "C"-word and variety of other choice words too.

Hands up all those who don't know what I'm going on about?

Wow!  So many!

OK, hears the explanation.

F-word = Fat
D-word = Diet
C-word = Calories

How many pounds have you gained?  Are you a 'mutterer'?

Now is the time to formulate your New Year's resolution so, if you need it, try and squeeze in one that includes the "D"-word.

I will, but I know it won't work because of my chocolate addiction!