BLUCK!

Well hello there!

Welcome to the New Year!

Pull up a weekend and make yourself comfortable.

Take the weight off and let's gnaw over the bones of the year that was.

Was it all that you expected?  Nah, mine neither. I seem to recall rather too many things going wrong, costing money or just generally pissing me off  as opposed to anything happening that could, even in a half-hearted way, be described as being good.

No, no ... that's not strictly true, if I think on it. Some really good things did happen but, hey, this isn't an X-rated blog, so I can't tell you!

But on the whole ... it wasn't a good year.

My car ... the one that was always just a tyre tread away from disaster ... died! I was forced to run around like a headless chicken trying to find an affordable replacement within a week, or face losing a lot of money.

No car, no work!

January 12 started off with my garden fence panels (6' X 6') being blown to smithereens by gale force winds. £400-£500 repair costs.

March saw my soon to be deceased vehicle's suspension popping it's mount (£300, but could have been worse).

April ...

Oh God this is so depressing!

Gnaw over you own year. Mine is making me feel ill!

Oh, and this year hasn't started too well either.

I forgot to put my numbers on for the midweek lotto yesterday!

Guess who would have had 4 correct numbers and BOTH bonus numbers?

OK, so it wasn't the jackpot but would have been a nice little sum.

Lady Luck really hates me.

But never mind, eh!

I still have my blog-frie...

Hey?

Where'd everybody go?

(BLUCK = Bad Luck)

They Lied!

I have been assured, by people who purport to know these things, that bad things come in threes

They Lie!

The scum bags!

Bad thing's come in ones!

One after the other ... forever!

And ever!

I seem to have a target, as it were, on my back where bad luck is concerned.

As those of you who have been with me for some time may remember, I have always had car troubles.  Just when one problem was been dealt with, another one reared it's ugly, oil smeared head. You may also recall that I wrote about damage to house and property caused by high winds. And of course there was also the recent case of my dog Sym's lymphoma.

Well, there is still no silver lining to my black cloud of bad luck; no ray of sunshine seeking to warm the cockles of my heart (whatever that means).

You may already be wondering 'What's happened now?'.  I can hear the creaking of many (how many readers do I have?) swivel chairs as clearer screen views are sought.

Here's the latest!

My tyres need replacing ... far earlier than anticipated and without achieving the mileage they should have done.

Over night (Saturday to Sunday) there were once again gale force winds battering our house and garden (it may well have battered the homes and gardens of others. I didn't notice) and quite severe damage was caused to our fence (a rather large piece of which narrowly missed our kitchen window).

And, of course, there is Sym! His recent course of treatment resulted in only partial remission.

Now ... that's only three, I hear you say. And you would be right ... I can count.

But there's also ...

Sox (older dog) ... Ill
The lawnmower ... fuel leak!
The strimmer ... busted!
The hedge trimmer ... locked solid!
The DVD-recorder ... dead as a dodo!
The wife's PC ...well, OK! I killed that one.

And it goes on and on and on and on and on and ....

Need I say more?

Yes! They lied! They really did!

Doctor, Doctor!

I have been under the weather lately. My hypochondria has taken a turn for the worst.

As usual, I save all my 'complaints' up until I have enough to be able to grab the doctors attention and hold it, just long enough, to get a sick note out of him.

So I went to see him last week.

"How many have you got today?" he asked as he checked his watch.

"Not many ... four maybe ... if you don't count the bone, that is" I replied.

"Bone? You've broken a bone?"

"No!" I said. "I've swallowed one".

"Are you choking?" he asked looking concerned.

"No! I really did swallow a bone!"

He was not impressed with my levity and checked his watch again.

"Have you anything serious that you would like me to check?" he asked as he tapped a little rubber hammer on his desktop.

"My nose keeps running!" I mumbled.

"Stick you foot out and trip it up! Next?"

I proceeded to tell him that I had wind ... he gave me a kite!

"What else have you got?"

"Well" I said. "Those pills you gave me for BO ..."

"Don't tell me"he interrupted. "They keep falling out of your armpits, right?"

"Awww! C'mon doc. Your ruining my best material!" I complained

He then spoke to me in capital letters!

"HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?"

"'s"" I whimpered, unaccustomed to his manner.

"Tell me!"

So I told him (I ain't telling you lot!).

He wrote me a prescription.

"Is that it?" he asked as he handed it over.

"One more thing" I said. "I keep hearing Irish voices. They seem to come from stomach".

"Ah! Stomach Ulsters!" he replied as he frog-marched me out of the door.

"I also have constant deja vu experiences!" I shrieked.

"That's because I throw you out of here at the same time every Monday of every week!" he shouted in my ear.

I won't go and see him again ...

... until next Monday.

Anyone got any silly one-liners I could use?