Weight Gain

So I went to the doctor last week.

I was concerned about my alarming gain in weight.

Sh was also concerned, but to my mind not as concerned as she ought to be.

"We'll run a few tests and have an answer to your problem in no time" she said.  "We'll take some blood but, in the mean time, you can give me a pee sample in this bottle. But take it mid-steam, ok?"

"But the nearest stream is miles away" I said. "And it's cold!"

She gave me a slap!

A week later she called me back for the test results.

"Not good news, I'm afraid" she said after I'd sat down.

My mind raced through a list of all the deadly conditions and ailments that could mean my end.

A solemn expression came over her face.

"I'm afraid you have an over active ..."

"Thyroid?"

"... knife and fork!"

She muttered something about time wasting, handed me a diet sheet and sent me on my way!

She just doesn't understand 'man' troubles!

Doctor, Doctor!

I have been under the weather lately. My hypochondria has taken a turn for the worst.

As usual, I save all my 'complaints' up until I have enough to be able to grab the doctors attention and hold it, just long enough, to get a sick note out of him.

So I went to see him last week.

"How many have you got today?" he asked as he checked his watch.

"Not many ... four maybe ... if you don't count the bone, that is" I replied.

"Bone? You've broken a bone?"

"No!" I said. "I've swallowed one".

"Are you choking?" he asked looking concerned.

"No! I really did swallow a bone!"

He was not impressed with my levity and checked his watch again.

"Have you anything serious that you would like me to check?" he asked as he tapped a little rubber hammer on his desktop.

"My nose keeps running!" I mumbled.

"Stick you foot out and trip it up! Next?"

I proceeded to tell him that I had wind ... he gave me a kite!

"What else have you got?"

"Well" I said. "Those pills you gave me for BO ..."

"Don't tell me"he interrupted. "They keep falling out of your armpits, right?"

"Awww! C'mon doc. Your ruining my best material!" I complained

He then spoke to me in capital letters!

"HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?"

"'s"" I whimpered, unaccustomed to his manner.

"Tell me!"

So I told him (I ain't telling you lot!).

He wrote me a prescription.

"Is that it?" he asked as he handed it over.

"One more thing" I said. "I keep hearing Irish voices. They seem to come from stomach".

"Ah! Stomach Ulsters!" he replied as he frog-marched me out of the door.

"I also have constant deja vu experiences!" I shrieked.

"That's because I throw you out of here at the same time every Monday of every week!" he shouted in my ear.

I won't go and see him again ...

... until next Monday.

Anyone got any silly one-liners I could use?