Southern Comfort

Yesterdays outing took me to a Bev's Café in Pontypridd.

I ordered my 'usual' and sat myself at the table by the café's expansive window. As I shuffled myself back and forwards, getting my backside comfortable, a brown leather two-seater sofa floated by the window.

Well, technically it didn't float, it was actually carried by two middle aged men; their faces bright red and betraying their jovial demeanour by quite clearly stating "F*** this is heavy! But I'll be damned if I'm going to ask him if we set it down for a moment".

The bell over the café's door tinkled as I watched the two men and their cargo disappearing down the road and an elderly gentleman entered.

"Ungfff!" he said as he closed the door behind him.

"Ungfff! Ungfff! Ungfff!"

Every step he took was accompanied by an "Ungfff!".

His legs were bowed and bent and he leant heavily on a walking stick.

He ungfff'd his way to the counter and ordered a cup of tea and a full English breakfast, turned, then ungfff'd his way to a table.

He took off his coat but for several minutes he just stood in front of the table.

Ha-ffffffffffft

Ha-ffffffffffft

Ha-ffffffffffft

Ha-ffffffffffft

Ha-ffffffffffft

The strange noise emanating from the old man caused some interest and nearly all of the café's patrons to turn and look.

He then placed a rubber ring onto the chair and ...

"Ungfff!"

... sat down.

There was a squeak followed by a ripple of laughter.

"You've got to look after your piles, isn't it! Got to be having some comfort, see! " he said in a broad valley's accent.

Just then the afore mentioned sofa drifted back in the direction from whence it had previously come.
Raised voices could be heard as the two red faced men, now obviously struggling, plodded past.

"The wrong shop!" said one. "The wrong bloody charity shop! D'you know how far we've carried this damned thing?"

"All right! All right! Don't go on about it, man! We just have to ..."

Their voices trailed off as they rounded the corner.

Am I? Or Am I Not?

I had my calls cancelled today (except this evening's) so I popped to the corner shop to buy myself a chocolate treat.

As I came out, an old man who was just going in, pointed at me and said "Ah!"

Then he said "Oh!"

I stepped to one side as he entered the shop.

"Sorry?" I said.

Without even looking at me he said "I thought you were someone, but you're not".

That was a 'deep' statement and as I walked home I couldn't help but wonder 'What or who the hell am I?'

I'll have to wait until the plumber comes to fix the leaky radiator and ask him!

I Think I'm Gonna Be .... URRGGGAHHH ... Sick!

I was on a bus again yesterday.

And nothing much happened!

What can I tell ya? It was one of those days!

Oh, there was a smell of feet and cheese, but despite several people saying "What is causing the stink?", no one could locate the source.

It wasn't really a strong smell ... at first ... but it 'travelled', you know what I mean?

Even the driver made a comment about it.

Very few people boarded the bus during our short journey and only three or four got off.  But the stink remained.

And I swear to God that it followed us when we got off in Pontypridd!

I began to think it was me.  Had my morning shower failed to eliminate BO that I was unaware of?

It all became too much, as yet again the smell followed us into another shop. I could feel a nervous breakdown creeping up behind me as I tried to concoct excuse after excuse for the smell.

Then, on the verge of panic and desperation, I rummaged through my pockets (of which I had very few, as it was fairly warm) on the off chance that someone had dumped a stink bomb in my pocket.

Nothing!

It couldn't be my client, could it?, I thought. No! Surely not.

We left the shop at speed as whisper's grew began to mutate into a chorus of "WTF is that smell?".

Outside I quickly frisked my client.

Well, it wasn't me,so it had to be him!

Tissues (wish I'd used gloves), chewy sweets, a piece of paper with his name on it, and ....

OH MY GOD!!!

As I pulled out the small cellophane bundle that I found in his pocket, the smell noticeably increased.

It was squishy ... it was pliable and incredibly smelly.

It was bluey-green!

It looked and smelled as if it had once been Stilton cheese!

I gagged!

It was leaking!

I found a bin and dumped the offending package.

I used nearly a full bottle of the anti-bacterial hand cleanser that I carry with me (you need it in my job).

That was yesterday!

I have since scrubbed my hands several time and showered. I have used soaps with fragrances that normally would only be found in French houses of ill repute. I even coated my hands with aftershave!

And I can still smell that ... that ... I think I'm gonna be sick ....

10 Things ...

... that piss me off:

1. Actors (film folk) having all those award ceremonies, and patting themselves on the back all the time!

2. Musicians (music folks) having all those award ceremonies, and patting themselves on the back all the time!

3. Car manufacturers claiming that THEIR model is the CAR OF THE YEAR 2012 as long ago as March!

4. Supermarkets that claim their store was voted SHOP OF THE YEAR, but you never find out by whom!

5. People who are NEVER prepared to listen to, or accept, an alternative opinion!

6. TV shows and Films that get described as CULT in order to justify the screening of utter crap!

7. Sex and violence on TV .... it's never on when I'm watching!!!

8. Inconsiderate drivers!

9. Inconsiderate dog owners!

10. The World in general ... at the moment!

There are many, many more but I only have ten fingers (my shoe laces have been tied too tight, so I can't use my toes  until mummy comes home).