One-Upmanship

(Sorry! It's  a repost from 6.4.2010)

I've had some thunks of late ... some disturbing ... some pleasant ... some you ain’t not never gonna hear about. But some thunks are stickier than others. Like one about all them folks whose lives appear to revolve around their medical conditions and complaints.

In my job it’s a regular thing to listen to horror stories about, for instance, operations and the scars they leave.

Never, however, have I been witness to a loud “keeping up with the Jones’s” argument about whose operation had been the most dramatic/horrific/traumatic such as was the case when I visited Burger King at Culverhouse Cross, Cardiff.

It went something like this;

Woman 1: “Scar? I’ve got wrinkles bigger than that”

Woman 2: “But you never saw the size of the swelling I got from the infection”

Woman 1: “Don’t talk to me about infections! I was in the Heath (hospital) for a month because of the infection they gave me”

Woman2: “They kept me in for six weeks with mine”

Woman1: “Yeah, but I had to go in for another two weeks ‘cos it flared up again”

I couldn’t help but think of Les Dawson and Roy Barrowclough (not the one-upmanship video I was looking for,but still funny) as I listened, nay, eavesdropped on their conversation. But it wasn't really the medical discussion that sticks in my mind, but rather the ‘one-upmanship’ which I found very amusing.

In recent months and years, I have observed, and probably even got myself caught up in, any amount of ‘one-upmanship’ contests. They range from the absurd to the sublime covering such subjects as garden furniture, children, PC’s, religion and ... dare I say it ... dogs.

And it is dogs which drag me into the depths of ‘one-upmanship’ competition. Alas, like many dog lovers, I am incredibly proud of my dogs; their gentleness, devotion and skills at such mundane things as ‘sit’ and 'down’. And to my shame, I have uttered those dreaded words “Ah, but my dogs can ...” a number of times.

Anyone else out there ever done it? Go one ... admit it!

We ALL do it cos they are family, after all.

Morning Moan: Emails From Hell

It may surprise everyone to learn that I can actually see my feet whilst standing.

It may also come as a surprise to all those charlatan pharmacist's on the internet that my feet are not the only things I see when I look down.

I would therefore respectfully like to point out that their kind offer's ... of which there have been over twenty this  morning ... of assistance in the 'appendage' size department are completely unwarranted and unwanted!  I strongly suspect that they, or their agents, have been spying through the cracks of the wrong bathrooms and have mistaken me for someone else.

Oh, yes! To all those wishing for a quick sale of potency medication (and I use the term loosely) I would just like to say ... not yet, chaps!

And to that one particular company that persists in thinking that I am in dire need of the newest, most uplifting experience in mammary support garments, I say ... Even if I were handicapped by the presence of moobs (man boobs) requiring urgent and immediate support, your garment would still not make it onto my list of 'must have' underwear. 


To everyone  else that sends me irritating emails of  one kind or another I would like to say ... Please leave me alone! You are beginning to get on my nerves in a big way.

A Damp Patch Of Reality

At 5.45 am this morning I sat outside in the garden and watched the dogs as they strolled around looking for the right place for their morning pee.

There was a strange silence.

No bird song, no sound of traffic, no sound from neighbours.

Silence!

It was so peaceful!

I felt that I was alone in the world (except for my dogs) and I remember thinking this is perfect!

I looked around.

There was a spiders web industriously being spun by an ugly brute of a spider just under the top rail of the decking.

I could see small drops of dew glistening on the silky web.

I looked at the grass. Dew twinkled there also as the early morning light gained strength.

I looked at the patched up fence (damaged by high winds at the beginning of May) and thought it's about time I did something about that, and knew instantly that I wouldn't ... not for a while at least.

Then, as if a switch had been flipped, birds began to sing and the sound of cars could be heard.

A beeping alarm clock could be heard from an open window somewhere.

I heard a door open and then close again as one of our neighbours let their dog into the garden for his morning ablutions.

A chill to started creep through my bones.

Time for a coffee, I thought.

The return of sound had shattered that magical and serene moment and my garden became just another patch of grass.

I stood up and went back into the house. The dogs followed and went to their food bowls with an expectant look on their faces.

I went upstairs and changed my trousers.

Not only had I sat in seagull shit, but I had planted my arse onto a garden chair soaked with early morning dew that I had moments before thought of as glistening and twinkling, but now thought of as bloody wet.

Just a little touch of heaven and a damp patch of reality.

What a start to the day!