My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Friday, 15 July 2011
Taking Advantage Of Any Old Gut
 |
| Sym on the biggest cushion in the house |
 |
| And this is the result |
He's been doing this since he was a pup.
If I don't let him up he uses his big brown eyes to maximum effect and makes me feel so guilty
and if Clover beats him to his 'prime location' he stares daggers at me
from a safe distance and waits for her to move.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
The Day We Lost Sox
We lost Sox (Our 'old lady' border collie X) the other day.
She just slipped away without anyone noticing!
It was a sad, sad day ... especially when someone brought the old girl back.
That's right! She ain't 'lost' in that sense of the word ... she only went missing.
Let me explain.
We'd been on our usual trip to the park; Sym=ball chasing, Clover=at my heels, Sox=wanting to go home ASAP.
On crossing the rugby field in Hailey Park, we bumped into (I think she made a bee-line for us really) Penny, a Four Paws fosterer and 'activist'. I had a home-check to carry out that evening for the adoption of a puppy called Jessica, so the chat with Penny was brief, just long enough to give her dogs a few pieces of cheese.
As we went our separate ways, Sox was already half way across the field in her haste to get back to the car and go home. Her eyesight and hearing are not the best, so she usually has to stop just to make sure we are still close by. On this occasion she chose to walk back towards us and, as we were passing the small wooded enclave that Sym uses (unsuccessfully) to hone his squirrel hunting skills, she suddenly broke into a doggy-gallop.
Sym charged into the woods, as he always does, and Sox for the first time in the six years we've had her, charged in after him. There was a barking and a thrashing about in the undergrowth that only Sym could make whilst 'hunting' squirrels and then, out he came, ready for some more ball action.
I waited ... I called ... I whistled.
Sox did not come out of the woods. I ventured in after her, taking care that Clover (she's scared of the woods) did not bolt.
Sox was nowhere to be seen so, knowing that she has a homing instinct for where the car is parked, I assumed she'd run in that direction while I was searching for her in the woods.
I checked ... I called ... I whistled.
Dammit! No Sox. No one had seen a black and white dog of any description.
I walked back over the fields in the direction we had just come from, asking the few folks that I met if they'd seen her. The answer was always "No".
Then, from the very far corner of the field ... some two hundred or more yards away ...I thought someone called me.
I looked ... I watched ... I swore.
There in the furthest corner of the field was Penny ... but she had three dogs with her, not her usual two.
Now I'm getting on a bit and my eyesight, spectacle enhanced though it is, is somewhat lacking in the long-range identification department. So I walked Sym (who didn't mind) and Clover (who thought it was feeding time and was whining) back over the field.
Yes, Penny was bringing Sox back. She'd bumped into some four hundred yards away looking very agitated and confused (Sox, not Penny) and thought it best to slip on a lead and walk her back in my direction.
I thanked Penny, fussed Sox and then we went home.
Sox gave me the "how could you have left me like that" look, but I think I was forgiven after she received extra cheese to help her recover from her ordeal.
I think she will be more careful in future.
She just slipped away without anyone noticing!
It was a sad, sad day ... especially when someone brought the old girl back.
That's right! She ain't 'lost' in that sense of the word ... she only went missing.
Let me explain.
We'd been on our usual trip to the park; Sym=ball chasing, Clover=at my heels, Sox=wanting to go home ASAP.
On crossing the rugby field in Hailey Park, we bumped into (I think she made a bee-line for us really) Penny, a Four Paws fosterer and 'activist'. I had a home-check to carry out that evening for the adoption of a puppy called Jessica, so the chat with Penny was brief, just long enough to give her dogs a few pieces of cheese.
As we went our separate ways, Sox was already half way across the field in her haste to get back to the car and go home. Her eyesight and hearing are not the best, so she usually has to stop just to make sure we are still close by. On this occasion she chose to walk back towards us and, as we were passing the small wooded enclave that Sym uses (unsuccessfully) to hone his squirrel hunting skills, she suddenly broke into a doggy-gallop.
Sym charged into the woods, as he always does, and Sox for the first time in the six years we've had her, charged in after him. There was a barking and a thrashing about in the undergrowth that only Sym could make whilst 'hunting' squirrels and then, out he came, ready for some more ball action.
I waited ... I called ... I whistled.
Sox did not come out of the woods. I ventured in after her, taking care that Clover (she's scared of the woods) did not bolt.
Sox was nowhere to be seen so, knowing that she has a homing instinct for where the car is parked, I assumed she'd run in that direction while I was searching for her in the woods.
I checked ... I called ... I whistled.
Dammit! No Sox. No one had seen a black and white dog of any description.
I walked back over the fields in the direction we had just come from, asking the few folks that I met if they'd seen her. The answer was always "No".
Then, from the very far corner of the field ... some two hundred or more yards away ...I thought someone called me.
I looked ... I watched ... I swore.
There in the furthest corner of the field was Penny ... but she had three dogs with her, not her usual two.
Now I'm getting on a bit and my eyesight, spectacle enhanced though it is, is somewhat lacking in the long-range identification department. So I walked Sym (who didn't mind) and Clover (who thought it was feeding time and was whining) back over the field.
Yes, Penny was bringing Sox back. She'd bumped into some four hundred yards away looking very agitated and confused (Sox, not Penny) and thought it best to slip on a lead and walk her back in my direction.
I thanked Penny, fussed Sox and then we went home.
Sox gave me the "how could you have left me like that" look, but I think I was forgiven after she received extra cheese to help her recover from her ordeal.
I think she will be more careful in future.
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