Family Letters

(Originally posted on February 19, 2010)


Dear Mum,

I was sorry to hear that you lost dad recently! It came as such a shock for me.
I was pleased to hear that you found him again though. Any idea's how he managed to get up that tree and did you ever find his underpants and socks?

This morning I had to take our foster dog to the vet for a check-up.  It was sooooooo cold that my de-icer froze on the windscreen of my car!  You'll be pleased to hear that Rory is fine and only has a minor ear infection, which is ok, cos he only has 'minor' ears ... he's only 9 months ... hahaha! 
You would be surprised at how short his legs are ... any shorter and and his 'todger' would constant have to be treated for carpet burns.

The trouble I've been having with my car of late has been sorted, or at least I now know what the problem is.
The Mechanic said it's not very often you see a whole heap of second hand spare parts with wheels these days ... sigh!
Oh, and he said I shouldn't do anything about the rust ... it's the only thing holding everything in place!  

I spoke to the kids about their gambling addiction and promised them I could help them ... they bet me £50 couldn't!  They gave me 2 to 1 on!

Julie's alcohol problem is getting out of control.  I've talked and pleaded with her to give it all up, but without success ... she's still pouring my whiskey, vodka and beer down the sink just as quickly as I can buy it!

I am also worried about all the bills that are coming through the door. There's the electricity bill, gas bill, gardening bill, window cleaning bill and painting bill.  Those buggers are drinking all the alcohol that Julie hasn't poured out and eating us out of house and home!  Any suggestions?

Anyway, I have to end now as I think I have something in the oven ... either that or the house is on fire.

Catch ya later Ma!

Your son

George   


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(Originally Posted on February 21, 2010)

Dear Mum,

I took the dogs to the park today and it was in a hell of a state ... litter

all over the place, but it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow!

Nextdoor's house repairs are going well, but it's a bit noisy around here

now.  Betty, our neighbour, said the builders have some huge tools and are

driving her crazy!

The neighbours on the otherside of us are loud too. Their 18 year old son

is continually banging his balls against our fence.

Oh, by the way, there are tiles missing from our outside toilet roof. 

I think it was bad wind we had the other night that blew them away.

It's going to have to be knocked down anyway ... 50% of the walls are damp, 

50% are crumbling and 50% just down right filthy.

Anyway, that's all for now mum cos my Julie say's I spend too much time writing tosh.

Your son

George

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(Originally Posted on February 25, 2010)

Dear Mum,

I have been having some terrifying dreams lately.

Last Monday, I dreamt that Susie, who lives accross the street had died.  Would you believe it ... the next morning someone told me that Susie was dead!

Last Wednesday, I dreamt that Wally, the corner shop owner, had died.  Imagine my surprise and horror when I learned the next day that he was dead too!

On Friday, I dreamt that dad had died!   Please tell me that he is OK.

Your son

George

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Dear Son,

I am pleased to report that your father is alive and well and at this moment pulling up weeds in the garden.  
So you can rest assured that the dreams you had were purely coincidence.

Nothing much has happened here since I last wrote to you, although we were all shocked on Saturday 
when your father found the milkman dead on our doorstep.

Will write again soon.

Mum

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(Originally Posted on February 26, 2010)

Dear Son,

Your father has at last been to the doctors!  He was given some pills as he was diagnosed as having schizophrenia. Still, now he won’t be alone at home when I’m at work. 

The sooner he gets a job, the better.  But you know his attitude; “Hard work never killed anyone, but why risk it?”  

Your father plays the ‘Sickly Jim’ all the time cos he thinks the meek shall inherit the earth. Maybe! But only
after we women have finished with it though!

Did you know that your father considers reading his newspaper on the toilet ‘multi-tasking’?

I’ve heard that losing your husband can be hard ... but in my case it’s proving impossible!!!

I have been continuing my diet, but it ain’t losing much weight. When Father Chigley came to see me he said
I should pray to God for help, so I did;  

     “Please God, if I can't be skinny, make all my friends fat.”

He scolded me for that one and said “A closed mouth gathers no food!”

Jesus might love him! But everybody else that thinks he’s a pillock!

Your uncle Joe got his guitar out again last week.  Remember he used to be in a band? 

He said he wanted to make a comeback … pretty hard when you haven't been anywhere.

He still thinks he is Roy Orbison … he has the sun glasses n everything … but your aunty Peggy 

said she would prefer it if he was MORE like him than he is … in a box, if you get my drift.

I was attacked by Mrs. Jones’s cat at the weekend!  Scared me half to death, it did. It made 

me wonder though, what would happen if I was scared half to death TWICE?

Oh, your father came home with a computer the other day.  He can’t get it to work, which only 

goes to show that artificial intelligence is no match for his natural stupidity.

‘s all for  now son.

I remain, as always, your father’s slave.

Mum
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Dear Son,

your father has again let me down.  I have now told him that I will never, ever go up and fix the roof for him again.  I was stuck up there all last Wednesday afternoon!

As you know, last month your father and I went to Ireland for a few days holiday.  We stayed in a little cottage in the middle of nowhere.  Your father refused to hire a car so on our first day, we walked to the train station in the village of Tubyshoor to get the train to ... well, anywhere really.

Your father went to the man at the ticket office and asked "Where does this line go to?"

To which the man left his little ticket office, looked at the track and said "B'jeezus, heven't oi worked here dese past twenty yeerz, and oi've nivvor seen dat loin move an inch!"

We did all our travelling on a bus after that.

It would have been a nice holiday if your father had stayed at home.

Love

Mum