About This Blog

This blog was originally started as a thread on the forum pages of an animal rescue site. Now it's here!

The articles you find in here are purely for entertainment (yours and mine) and (with one or two exceptions) are all tongue-in-cheek chronicles of the World (my bit, anyway) as I see it.
No disrespect is intended towards anyone unless I make a mistake and make it too obvious.

I hope you enjoy my offerings. Feedback and comments of any kind are welcome.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Dilemma Averted

Last night ... as I was eating some chocolate ... Oh, the pain!

I somehow contrived to bend my right thumb backwards or something.  My God! It hurt!

The pain was severe and my whimpering brought my wife rushing to my side.

"What have you done?" she asked.

I told her.

"Do you want to strap it up?  Go to A&E? What?" she said.

I um'd and ah'd.

"Well?" she asked,her impatience growing. "What are you going to do?"

It was an easy choice in the end.

"I'll have to eat my chocolate using my left hand, won't I!"

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Remember That £25 Fine?

I paid it yesterday!

I went all the way to Pontypridd and paid it in person.

And it was the biggest mistake I've made, well ... since the last big mistake that I made.

As I walked back to my car after leaving some of my hard-earned cash behind, I was spotted by load of seagulls.

And I do mean 'SPOTTED'!

Now I ask  you, can my luck get any worse?

Monday, 24 October 2011

And The World Turns

So, as the title says, the World turns.

And the bad things just keep on coming.

I have never been what you might call 'well off'.  Money and I do not make good bed fellows!
As soon as it comes, the World contrives to make it go away again.

Take, for instance, my car ... someone, please take it!!!

Last week not one ... not two ... but ALL FOUR spark plugs decided to foul up causing my car to complain bitterly and roll to a stop uttering phutt-phutt noises, which I am sure is car-speak for "Not another inch you bastard"!  OK, so it was fixable, but it cost me quite a bit of money.

Some weeks prior, for some inexplicable reason, most of my clients decided to cancel their calls for a two week period. This left me with a mere 19 hours a week of work. As I am paid by the hour, you can guess how much that dented my wallet.

On Saturday the glass fell out of the right-hand wing mirror of my car.  No, it didn't break! I managed to catch it! NO mean feat when you are travelling at 70 MPH.  With the aid of some (fortunately) handy sticky tape, I was able to secure it again.

That same day, I learned just how deceitful my fellow man could be.  I picked up a client who I was to take to a rugby match (Pontypridd vs Bedwas).  When I arrived on the car park opposite the stadium, I made for the ticket machine (so I could park legally) and was told by a number of people that parking on match days was free.  So, like and idiot, I believed them only to return to my car after the match and find a £50 parking fine stuck to my windscreen.

Bummer, right?

But the hammer came when the vet confirmed that my boy Sym's cancer has returned.

Yes, the World just keeps on turning ... and shit happens!

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Still Alive

Last week I painted a woman in the the nude ... I almost froze to death!
I ended up with a headache and the only drug store open was in Vegas.  So I went in and asked for aspirin. The guy behind the counter said "I'll toss you for it, Double or nothing!"
I left with two headaches!
Now I'm recovering from a cold and I'm so full of drugs that if I sneeze, I'll cure someone!

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The Wart

(This article was prompted by Perlchen's wart post and is really only the reply I made to it.)

I used to love my wart!

I really did.

But then one day the top fell off it! My finger hurt like hell (pinky, right hand).

Two days later, my wart began to restore itself to it's former glory by rising and crusting.

But it didn't stop growing! I soon ended up with a wart that not only scared me but, on those rare occasions I dared venture outside with it, appeared on satellite images.

I tried every known wart cure to no avail. Doctors would VISIT ME just to look at it and say "Hmmmmmmm?"

But no one could help and my wart grew and grew.

After a year of having a continent sized growth on my finger I took a very drastic step.

I cooked my finger!

Yes, Perlchen, I turned on the hotplate of the cooker and (after a short prayer and a swift slug of the hard stuff) I pressed my wart onto the hotplate for just a second.

And yes, I did make some un-heroic screechy-type noises and there was a slight moistening of the eyes, but after a mere one week of pain, my wart had been defeated!

To this day, my pinky is wart-less!

I strongly suggest that no one tries this method of wart removal at home unless, of course, you are as brave (insert stupid if you wish) as I am.

Monday, 10 October 2011

A New Week ... New Luck!

Here we go again!

A new week, for which I wish each and every one of you ... Good Luck & Good Health!

May your week be jolly and fun-filled and all your experiences positive.

And should anyone unexpectedly happen to become stinking rich ... don't forget that it was ME that wished you luck (for which there is a small charge [10% of windfall] should it come to fruition).

I have to go!

Bottoms to clean!  You know how it is.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

The Daftest Question In The World

In my line of work, I am in and out of peoples houses  doing everything from bottom cleaning to skimming over carpets with a vacuum cleaner.  I have assisted them to shower, shave and, in some cases, even to take a dump.  I have escorted clients on shopping expeditions or to pub's for a pint.  I've taken them on visits to places of interest that, to me anyway, lost their interest during one of the many previous visits ... well, let's just say that I have to be prepared to do whatever it takes and whatever is needed.

I believe me, I have surprised myself on numerous occasions by doing just that.

Being constantly on a very tight schedule, I have be quick at each port of call. In ... do the biz ... out!

But usually ... just as I have to go; just as I have to dash to the next client; just as I realise how late I am for my next call ... that's when I utter the daftest question that someone in my profession can ever ask 

   Is there anything else I can do for you before I go?

And there always is!  There always is! 

So why is it that I can never say 'No' ?

Friday, 7 October 2011

Homer: A Bad Day

Homer sat at a table in dark corner of Sickly Jim's bar.

Hunched over a multitude of empty beer and whiskey glasses, a small glass of dark liquid in his hand, he sobbed uncontrollably.

At the bar Ted McFlunkel, trucker and all round bad-ass, addressed the barman.

"Excuse me, good sir.  I can't help noticing that that gentleman in yonder corner is somewhat distressed. Have you an inkling as to his troubles?"

"Eh?" replied the barman.

"I merely enquired as ... Dammit! I should never have taken elocution lessons. What's with the dude in da corner?"

"That's Homer. Been here all day.  I reckon he's had some bad news."

McFunkel drained his glass.  "Well if he's gonna just sit there cryin' then I reckon that drink in his hand should go to someone who deserves it more."

He stomped across the sawdust covered floor, kicked over the spittoon [Yes, it was that kind of bar], and snatched the glass from Homer's hand. He downed the contents in one go and flung the glass at the wall.  He had hoped it would shatter spectacularly, adding some gravitas to his actions.

It bounced!

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaah-ah-ahah-aaaaaaaa" wailed Homer.  He flung himself over the table, scattering the empty glasses. "You bastard! You [insert expletive {it's not that kind of blog} ] bastard!" he cried.

McFunkel, realising that he may have gone a little too far, said "Whoa there partner!  You wanna tell me what yer troubles are?  Might help to talk".

Through intermittent sobbing Homer said "I lost my job this morning! The cleared my desk and threw me out".

"That ain't the end of the world" said McFunkel.

"That's not all" blubbed Homer.  "I went out to the parking lot and found some guys repossessing my car.  I had to get a bus home,but I got on the wrong bus and went up-town, not down. Then I realised I had no money left so I went to an ATM, but the damned machine kept my card saying I was overdrawn."

"Damn!" sighed McFunkel.  "You've had a rough day."

"There's more" said Homer.  "I had to walk home and on the way I got a call on my cell to tell me that my kids had run away from school, stolen a car and had smashed it into a bridge support.  They're all in critical condition in hospital."


"When I got home I found my ex-bosses car was parked in my driveway.  When I went into the house I found him in bed with Marge, my wife.  She told me it was all over and I should pack my bags and leave".

"Oh my God! What a day!" gasped McFunkel.

"And now, after all that, I just wanted it all to end but then some brainless idiot comes and drinks my poison!
Can my day get any worse?"

"G-g-g-guh!" said McFunkel, clutching his throat as he hit the floor.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011


I like words.

Big ones.  One's that people seldom hear or see.

The bigger and more difficult to say the word is, the better I like it.

But there is one word that I hate.

I despise it with every fibre of my body.

The word is "it".

I haven't always hated this word. In fact I only began to hate it a few days ago when I saw it written in the middle of a sentence of a note that I was reading.

For nearly a minute I blanked.  I could not for the life of me work out what "it" was supposed to mean.

To me, it just looked like a ridiculous combinations of letters.

I really do not like "it"!

Sunday, 2 October 2011


You may have read, or maybe someone read it to you, that we (the British) are basking in a mini-heatwave hitherto unknown at this time of year in this land of wind and rain (which, to be fair, ain't much but it's all we have).

As I sit here with the sun ticking my naked upper torso (almost the same shape it used to be), I type my usual drivel with but one thought in my mind;  what a wonderful morning!

Of course I had to be proved wrong by the neighbours!

Are they loud or what?

I think they're having a breakfast BBQ ... for dogs!

I can smell the charcoal; the burning burgers; the god-damn awful smell of spirits used to get the BBQ going.

And I can hear the non-stop yapping of their dogs, the competitive barks of their neighbours dogs and the distant replies of all the uninvited dogs throughout the village.

On the table next to me I have a mint flavoured hot chocolate and a chocolate biscuit (well, it's a biscuit in a puddle of melted chocolate).

All is well with my world (with the exception of the neighbours and their BBQ) at this moment.
It is (very nearly) a perfect moment.  

The only thing I need now to make my day complete would be something interesting to write about.