I Went Shopping ... I Didn't Expect An Australian Floor Show!

Australians! Oh my God! Australians!

I was shopping last Saturday ... it's my job not only to cook for the family but also to buy that which they are fed ... and as I was about to enter the supermarket (ASDA [Walmart] ), I was confronted by two of the widest, roundest and worst dressed young women of antipodean origin that I have ever encountered. Hence forth referred to as 'globes'.

Left of the entrance, with her back against the wall, was 'globe' #1.  She looked somewhat disgruntled.
As I selected a wobble-free trolley in which to convey my purchases from shelves to checkout, a 'globe' #2 exited the building.

Looking in the direction of 'globe' #1 she shouted "Kaa mon, Door! Get yer aaarse in gee-ah! We gotta go-ah!"

"I caahn't move. I 'ad an exidehnt-ah! I split mah pants!" replied 'globe' #1.

It should be pointed out that both  'globes' were adorned in multi-coloured tie-died T-shirts and very short shorts. Both garments on both 'globes' where seriously stretched to a point that could only be described as mere seconds away from self-destruction.  Sadly, in the case of 'globe' #1, the strain on the fragile threads holding the material of her shorts together had already ceased to offer any resistance to her bulk.

"Doorah!  Din I tell ya ya looked like a fuhken snag ready for the barbie?" said 'globe' #2.

'globe' #1's response sounded frantic. "It aint fuhnee, Bren.  I ain't wearin' any knikka's an I ain't bin wexed for aiges!"

The volume of this conversation was excessive, and by this point a small crown had gathered to witness their exchange and, quite possibly, to witness 'globe' #1's un-waxed rear end.

"Waddah you baaahsturds lukkin' at" and several other choice phrases were spat in the direction of the now considerable audience.

When there is a 'show' in town, we Brits stay to the very end!

Anyway ...

"Stay there-ah, Door, ya silly wuss " said 'globe' #2.  "I'll get ya somethin' from the car."

She 'sped' off at a fairly slow wobble towards the car park, still uttering expletives and exchanging quaint Australian 'niceties' with the bemused watchers.

Within a few minutes she was back carrying a black quilted coat.

"Here ya go-ah! Put that one ya silly tart!  Nobody'll see yer Mappa Tassie through that!"

"Ta Bren.  These dill's're really pissin' me off."

The coat was shrugged on (yes,you can shrug on as well  as off) and both 'globes' shuffled off to their car.

We, the audience, applauded loudly and with gusto.

Seldom has entertainment of such a high standard ever come out of Australia.