Words

I haven't always been interested in words.

That's because, if I'm honest, they used to frighten me.

I mean, why put an 'H' in spaghetti? Why does the word 'those' not have a 'Z' in it instead of an 'S'?

Things changed however when I found out ... after years of living in fear ... that 'dichotomy' had absolutely nothing to do with removal of a man's most essential extremity.

No more quivering in fear every time that word was used for me!

Not that it was used much by anyone in the northeast of England when I was young. More often than not people would say 'Wey man, it's split doon the middle, hinney' and be completely unaware that they had just used one definition of the word 'dichotomy'.

We were simple people you see. We thought education and schooling was useful only to give parents time to make more children and go to work. A kind of baby-sitting service if you like.

I however used school ... especially English lessons ... to rid myself of my northeast accent. I began to pronounce my words as the rules of Queens English demanded they should be pronounced.

This resulted in ridicule from family and friends.

Simple saying 'no' correctly in the northeast ... 'nay', 'ner' or 'no-a' (pronounced 'noah') was more usual ... would raise eyebrows and cause some folks to 'out' themselves as abderianists.

I braved the scathing wit and merciless ridicule for many a year and, even if I say so myself, I became highly skilled in the art of adoxography, as you have no doubt already noticed.
  
My attempts to better myself resulted in exsibilations from my peers, to which I responded with aggressive attacks of hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian nature.

This may make me seem to be somewhat of a philosophunculist, but at least I know what 'philosophunculist' means without having to look it up.

Words, eh?

Don't ya just love 'em?

Unusually Cruel Literature Re-visited

Another space-filler due to lack of time, I'm afraid. This one originally burned a hole in my thoughts over two years ago, but never appeared here until September 2010.  You may remember it.  If you haven't yet come across it, then I hope you enjoy it. 

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, I assure you.  

After rising this morning like a rather small, and less bright sun I realised, as I performed my pandiculation, that although I could (as indeed all men could) be accused of colposinquanonia and ximelolagnia, that I am not a bad person at heart.

Being adept in the art of adoxography and also a self confessed autolatrist, I am prone to producing the occaisional article which, to many, may seem somewhat borborygmus-like and from time to time include charientism's which could cause offence.

To those offended by my offerings, I can assure you they are merely witzelsucht and not intended to upset anyone ... not even the steatopygic and abecedarian amongst you ... and I would like to offer my sincere apologies.

Get those dictionaries open.

For those of you without dictionaries

Pandiculation: The act of stretching and yawning.

Colposinquanonia: Estimating a woman’s beauty based on her chest.

Ximelolagnia: the urge to stare at women who are sitting with crossed legs.

Adoxography: fine writing on trivial or base subject.

Autolatrist: someone who worships him/herself'

Borborygmus: Bowel sounds, the gurgling, rumbling, or growling noise from the abdomen.

Charientism: A figure of speech wherein a taunting expression is softened by a jest; an insult veiled in                grace.

Witzelsucht: A tendency to pun, make poor jokes, and tell pointless stories, while being oneself inordinately entertained thereby.

Steatopygic: Having an extreme accumulation of fat on the buttocks.

Abecedarian: a person who is learning the alphabet or the rudiments of a subject.