A Re-Run Of Silly!

I was having my breakfast at teatime on a cold, dark sunlit morning when to my surprise I could smell the colour of the sound the door bell makes.

"Well" I said loudly to myself. "Who on earth could be banging my bell in that shade of pink"?

Curious as to whom my visitor may be, I sent the dog to the front door with a 50p piece and a note saying 'call me'.

A few minutes later the phone rang so I answered the door saying "It’s a little bit late to be phoning at this time in the morning isn't it"?

The lady at the door I immediately recognised as someone I didn't know.

"Sir" she said without a by your leave. "I am your local neighbourhood Avon lady and I have travelled many miles from across the street to save your legs from the terrible blight of hairy legness".

Had she seen me through the window as I paraded myself naked dressed as a man with clothes on? Had my wife informed her of my most deeply held secret during one of her weekly naughty knicker meeting in the church hall?

How could she know of my shameful secret that only a handful of people at 'Gossips Anonymous' knew?

"Come in" I spluttered at her "and wipe your face with this towel".

She entered by way of in and stood in the hallway as I closed the door in the direction of shut.

"Tell me," I said as the last drops of spittle were wiped from her chin "how did you come into possession of the knowledge which you know of my hairyness"?

"Sir," she said pronouncing the comma, "I must confess that I did not know of your hairyness and that I used that merely as a ruse to gain access to your home".

"Well it worked" I answered somewhat jealously as I did not have a comma in my statement that I could pronounce as well as she had pronounced hers.

"I am in fact your local neighborhood murderer from London" she stated calmly pulling out a huge knife of minute proportions "and I have come to extract revenge on you, Arthur Plunger, for sneakily telling the law publicly who I am."

"But I live in Cardiff and my name is Daffydd Murgatroyd!" I spluttered again handing her the towel.

"Plunger wasn't at home!" she said calmly.

I stood, nervously hopping from foot to foot and said "I have no more dialogue."

"Neither have I" she answered.

"Are we done then” I asked.

"Suppose so" she said.

We retired to the billiard room which wasn't there yesterday and agreed totally with each other that it was a peculiar ending to a promising start and mediocre middle.

"We should have done the 'Four Candles' sketch" I said.

"Been done" she answered bitterly.

Together we sidled from the page and out of view of the reader.

"That was embarrassing" we said together as the author closed the editor and saved his work.

They Thought They Were Heading For Stardom! Little Did They Know ...

... they were going to tremble every time this little gem was aired!

(only remaining copy [unfinished] of a film the kids made for Christmas 2005)

Turn your sound up and listen carefully!

It is missing the finale ... but it wasn't very good anyway.

Enjoy!

(They won't)

Impromptu Entertainment On Hell's Highway

It was bad!

Badder than it has been for a long time.

It was badder than bad!

It was the City of Cardiff's early morning traffic at it's best.

It took us over an hour to crawl through the inappropriately called 'rush hour' traffic on Monday.  It was my usual Monday morning twelve mile run (term used very loosely) from Barry into the city to take a client to his place of work.

The regular lead-footed drivers appeared to have taken the day off, handing over their road rage causing duties to those of a more sedate - or sedated - nature.

At the traffic lights at the rear of HMP Cardiff, where the sandstone wall seemed to be festively decorated with tinsel adorned barbed wire, there was a long queue of cars, trucks and buses.  Idling engines were pouring out a wonderful,  heady mixture of petrol and diesel fumes, which penetrated vehicles even with all windows and vents closed.

I could see the pedestrian lights (or Fred Astair-ian lights as I know call them) changing from red to green and back again.  This happened several times, which meant that although I couldn't see properly, that we had also had a green light .... but nothing had moved!

Had someone's car broken down?  Had there been a accident?

No!

When, after what seemed like a lifetime of dangerously high bladder pressure, things began to move, the reason for our delay became very apparent.

The traffic light further on, at the next major junction (crossing Newport Rd.) was out of order, thus making it difficult for people to cross.

Chaos ensued as motorised vehicles of all shapes and sizes tried to occupy minuscule gaps in the flow of traffic crossing the junction, much to the annoyance of those that didn't want to give way.

Levity, however, was injected into our frustrating wait as a gentleman of Caribbean origin, sporting the tallest woolly beanie hat  that I have ever seen (which no doubt contained that tallest dreadlocks in history) began entertaining the waiting motorists with an impromptu tap-dance across the 'Fred Astair-ian' (now you know why!) crossing and in-between cars.  His friend, also seemingly of Caribbean extract, started to waltz with an imaginary partner up and down the rows of vehicles.

Horns were honked!

People laughed!

Some even got out of their vehicles for a better view.

I just wanted to pee!

After a while the dancers, exhausted from their efforts, they gave up and continued there journey on foot into town.

Shortly afterwards, traffic began to roll once more.

You will be pleased to hear that ...
... there was no unpleasantness in my vehicle
... that I did make to to my destination (cursing everyone on the way) and ...
... was able to relieve myself in the proper and appropriate manner.

After that though, I desperately  need a jumbo-Latte!

I See Dead People

It's true!

I have seen dead people ... driving!

This may come as a bit of a shock to everyone out in the greater Bloggiverse, but dead people abound on winter days after, or during, a fall of snow.

Judging by the way the traffic flowed this morning (and we only had a short, mild snow fall in Cardiff) zombies were on the roads in force.

I have never, EVER had to drive so slowly as I did this morning ... on clear,  well salted roads too!

I just wanted to slap people ALL morning!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ooh!  Sorry about that! It just slipped out.