The Morning After

The carpet was a mess!

Popcorn, peanuts, crisps and poker chips littered the floor.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) lay under the coffee table with her head in a traffic cone.

"Oooooooh!", she echoed. "What'th wrong with my mouth?"

Sym stood with a dustpan and broom in his paws and looked down at her prone form.

"I did warn you that British beer is strong stuff", he said. "And you were the one that insisted on the Gin-sling chasers".

"Thomething ith wrong with my mouth!  My tongue theemth to be thuck to the woof of my mouth".

"You were eating cellotape", replied Sym. "You said it was your 'party trick'"

"Thellotape? That'th jutht thupid! Ooooooooh! My back leg'th!!! I can't feel my back leg'th!"

"Well, when ... if ... you can get them out out of that Wellington boot, they'll be fine", said Sym as he swept up.

"Why?", demanded Liza. "Why are my back leg'th thuck in a Wellington boot?"

"You had a bet with Robin, that chihuahua you picked up in the bar, that you could hop around the room without falling out of the boot. You won the bet, but we couldn't get you out of the boot afterwards".

Liza gingerly removed the cone from her head.  "Ooooh! That'th so muchth better"!

"Do you remember anything about last night?", asked Sym.

"Yeth, of courth I do. Before the poker game went to a lap danthing club ..."

"Because you said you could dance better that those girls".

" ... and then we ... ". Liza picked up a blue hat from the floor. "What'th thith?" she asked.

"Ah! Now that, dear kitty, is a policeman's helmet", Sym said as he took the helmet from her. "Do you, by any remote chance, remember how you got it?"

"Not tho mucth ... but I think it involved claw'th"

"Exactly! You clawed the living daylights out of that poor policeman's ankles, ran up his legs, ransacking his pockets on the way ... and yes! I did notice that you bought the Tequila with his credit card ... and you stole his helmet after giving him a big sloppy kiss".

"A kith!  I don't do kitheth!"

"That is quite pothibly ... sorry ... possibly true, judging by the amount of blood coming from all those scratches on his face".

"Oh my God!" said Liza. "Pearl will never forgive me! Unleth, of course, I won the game latht night. Did I?"

"Nope! Freddy and Brutus, the Rottweiler's did ... "

"Oh no"!

 "They've got your I.O.U. for over a hundred quid ".

"Ooop'th!"

Liza struggled out of the boot.

"Sthill, it wath a thuper night, wathn't it!"

Liza Bean Bitey, Of The Minneapolis Biteys, Comes Calling!

The door bell chimed.
Sym raced into the hallway.
"Open it! Open it!" he said as he bounced up and down.

I opened it and a cat strolled in, flicking it's tail up into a question mark.

"Liza Bean Bitey!", exclaimed Sym, his tail wagging furiously

"Of ... ?"

"Er, the Minneapolis Biteys", he answered meekly. 

"And don't you forget it!".

Liza Bean Bitey sauntered down the hallway.

"Anyone sniffing my bottom looses an eye!"

Sym trailed along behind her as she headed down the hall towards the dining room, aka the 'poker room'. He stopped at the door and threw me a quick glance.

"This is her, isn't it?" I whispered.
"Uh-huh!"
"Scary!"
"Nah! Terrifying's more like it!"

"I can hear every word, you know"

Sym entered the din... sorry, the poker room and closed the door.

Liza Bean sat at the table (which was covered in a green baize tablecloth) taking a very keen interest in one, long extended claw.

"So who's playin' tonight? Bob the Bassett?"
"Nope! He's got friction burns on his willy again".
"A-ha! Running over asphalt, huh?"
"What can I say? He has short legs. Blossom and Zac of the Cardiff ... er, Bossom'n Zac's ... will be here."
"They got money?"
"Uh-huh!"
"I'll take it."

Liza scanned the room.

"You said you'd lay on some food".
"I did! I've got chips and Quack-a-Moley"
"D'you mean guacamole?"
"No. Quack-a-Moley. Got runny duck in it"
"Ah, you mean Ruddy Duck"
"No, no, it was definitely runny when we found it".
"Found it?"
"Down by the river. Been dead for a good two weeks. That's how we found it. Smells good, doesn't it? Zac picked up the moles from the garden. They're fresh. A little chewed, but fresh".

Liza Bean glanced at the door.

"D'ya know what? I think I kinda left, like, er, left something ... anything ... in the oven. I just gotta ... gotta ..."

Liza Bean made a break for the door, her claws struggling to gain purchase on the laminate flooring. After a few seconds, the front door slammed behind her.

"Did it work?" I asked Sym as I craned my neck around the door.
"Like a charm!" he answered, waving the credit card that Liza had left behind
He looked at it. "This Pearl," he said. "She must be some kinda fruit-loop to let Liza steal her credit card all the time."