Time: Too Long On The Toilet

The freshly sliced seconds, minutes and indeed hours of 2012 speed past me, turning my future into my past without so much as a 'by your leave'.  Time is passing me by at such a rate that I can almost hear the hiss as it squeezes itself through the air.

My 'future', so far ahead of me yet already considering retiring into my 'past', never seems to stick around long enough to make an impact as my 'present'.

I mean, come on!  What is the purpose of a future if you can't use it as a present?

My future is infinite ... provided that I don't kick the bucket

My past is 52 years old and ageing rapidly.

My present?

Oh! There goes another one! And another ...

You see?

Presents go by so quickly that you can't use them!

Oooo!  Did ya see that one?

I hate time!

There you go!  That's my morning grump out of the way.

Let's talk some shit!

Erm, anyone done anything, ya know, wicked?

Have you been bad?

I did!

I ate far too much chocolate over Christmas and New Year.

Man!

That stuff really makes you wanna go.

It can keep you on the 'throne' for hours at a time if you over do it.

What?

Well it does!

'Free Time In Flatulence Heaven' or 'Back With The Wind'

I find myself with some unexpected time on my hands.  Well, I say 'unexpected', but what I mean is that I was supposed to have this time off, but what with the 'extra calls' I referred to yesterday, I didn't think I'd get it.

But I did.

So, I find myself once again blogging.

I have three dogs lying at my feet and there is a curious odour permeating 'my space'.

I have been listening to curious 'phut' and 'sssfffffffffftt' sounds which I am sure has a lot to do with the pong currently engulfing me.  The three dogs are, or at least appear to be, oblivious to it and continue to snore.

I should really pack up my laptop and move to a safer location but, damn it, I was here first and my backside has taken ages to warm up this sofa cushion!

Oh!  That was a big 'PHUT'!

Sym, my boy, is now investigating an apparent rupture of his anus.  At least I now know which dog to throw out into the snow!

Only kidding!

I wonder how the queen reacts when her corgi's starts playing 'Jingle Bowels' on the bum-organ?

I wonder how her dogs would react if she did it! I'm sure the dogs would get up in disgust and walk off.  Ours do!

[ re-location pause ]

My laptop and I have retreated to the kitchen.  I experienced one 'phut' too many!

My eyes had begun to water and the damp handkerchief that I'd tied over my nose and mouth just didn't bring me any respite from Sym's chemical attack.  The bad news is that all three dogs are now in the kitchen with me!

One 'phut' or  'sssfffffffffftt' and they are ALL going out into the cold!

The story that I intended to post on my blog, or 'bloog' as the dodgy O on my keyboard would have me type, isn't this one.

I'm afraid that writing, as I have, about the doggies 'bottom burping' all the time has completely side tracked me and I now find that work, once again, beckons.

Did it really take me that long to write about farts?

Oh well!  At least you now know something about the Hell I've been going through.