About This Blog

This blog was originally started as a thread on the forum pages of an animal rescue site. Now it's here!

The articles you find in here are purely for entertainment (yours and mine) and (with one or two exceptions) are all tongue-in-cheek chronicles of the World (my bit, anyway) as I see it.
No disrespect is intended towards anyone unless I make a mistake and make it too obvious.

I hope you enjoy my offerings. Feedback and comments of any kind are welcome.


Showing posts with label Toilet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Toilet. Show all posts

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Cat v Dog

These days, now that Clover is on her own, she has her bed in our bedroom. She sleeps at the foot of our bed and snores.
You would be amazed at just how loud she can be!
She snorts and chainsaws her way through the night, sending decibel counters in the neighbouring county shooting off the scale.
 
How do you sleep, I hear you ask.
 
Well ... It's training. And having spent the past several years listening to my wife snort and grunt her way through the twilight hours, I'm very used to it!
 
Anyway, at 6 am the noise stops. It's time to get up and to let Clover out for her toilet.
This morning, as we made our way down the stairs, we were met by Blossom, the cat.
She evaded capture last night so wasn't, as per usual, put out to terrorise the neighbourhood.
At the foot of the stairs she did that cat thing ... crouching with her front paws trampling, back legs tensing ... and just as a very cautious Clover hit floor level, she pounced!
 
A left ... a right ...  a hiss!
 
Clover, surprised by the attack, pressed herself wide eyed against the wall. Blossom sat down and, looking incredibly smug, started to clean herself.
After the shock had abated, Clover began to circle around Blossom in an attempt to get to the back door. Blossom immediately stood, positioned herself directly in front of Clover, and with a withering look turned her back and sat down.
Dogs, as you probably know, have a fascination with bottoms.
So it will come as no surprise to you that as soon as Blossom's back was turned, Clover felt the need for a sniff.
She slowly stretched towards Blossom's derriere ... closer and closer ... ready to sniff.
A mere inch or two away from Blossom's bottom, Clover sneezed!
Blossom flew into the air, still seemingly in a sitting position. At the apex of her flight her legs extended, she rotated through 180°, whacked Clover smartly on the nose then, upon landing, raced headlong up the stairs.
Clover isn't the quickest of dogs.
Her reaction came several seconds after Blossom had scampered onto the upstairs landing.
She jumped, her eyes wide, and galloped down the hallway. When she reached the backdoor, she spun on the spot, whined and looked at the handle.
As I opened the door and let her out, she threw me a glance that quite clearly said 'You won't tell anyone, will you?'.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Confession Of A Overrated Blogger!

I have to be honest and say
that I get my best blog idea's
whilst grunting my way through
sweat inducing, no farts barred,
bowel movements ...











... I haven't had a crap for three years!

Friday, 6 January 2012

Time: Too Long On The Toilet

The freshly sliced seconds, minutes and indeed hours of 2012 speed past me, turning my future into my past without so much as a 'by your leave'.  Time is passing me by at such a rate that I can almost hear the hiss as it squeezes itself through the air.

My 'future', so far ahead of me yet already considering retiring into my 'past', never seems to stick around long enough to make an impact as my 'present'.

I mean, come on!  What is the purpose of a future if you can't use it as a present?

My future is infinite ... provided that I don't kick the bucket

My past is 52 years old and ageing rapidly.

My present?

Oh! There goes another one! And another ...

You see?

Presents go by so quickly that you can't use them!

Oooo!  Did ya see that one?

I hate time!

There you go!  That's my morning grump out of the way.

Let's talk some shit!

Erm, anyone done anything, ya know, wicked?

Have you been bad?

I did!

I ate far too much chocolate over Christmas and New Year.

Man!

That stuff really makes you wanna go.

It can keep you on the 'throne' for hours at a time if you over do it.

What?

Well it does!