Over the past week or so I have taken several buses to various places.
I have experienced foul-mouthed tirades, suffered smells that not even a dog could create and found things that one should never find on a means of public transport (to-wit, one used condom).
My fascination with bus travel began after I read some articles on Peggy's blog.
I discovered that people watching on a bus can produce an almost unlimited supply of blog material which I now endeavour to utilise at every available opportunity.
So let us start from the beginning. Try and keep up, because I don't have long. You ready?
Let's go!
Firstly, there was the tirade I spoke of.
It occurred only moments after Andy Griffith (Matlock) boarded the bus.
Now, when I say 'Andy Griffith boarded the bus', you do realise that I mean a look-alike, don't you?
I do not see dead people!
Anyway, he got on and the first thing he did was to open a window, before taking a seat next to Roy Orbison (ditto the look-alike bit). It was a cold day and the rush of cold air through the bus caused a bit of a stir.
It took a little over a minute before the recumbent figure in pink jerked awake, stomped down the bus and slammed the window shut.
The figure in pink was female. Her lower lip was pierced and ringed. Her hair dark and matted and seemed to be partially dread-locked.
She mumbled.
"Mmnff bukkin mmmmnff window! Bastard!"
Andy, being Andy, got up and opened it again.
From the lady (and I use the term loosely) in pink came "Ya fuggin ar'so! Fink ya fuggin own da fuggin bus, ya twad! Jeez! Mmnnfff nmmmft pffft, unt!"
The mumbling, interspersed with a liberal sprinkling of colourful language, continued until the next stop, whereupon the driver got out of his seat and approached the lady (still very,very loose) in pink.
He warned her that he wouldn't tolerate her abusing the other passengers and she should behave herself,at which point Andy Griffith piped up "Kick the {insert word sound like Duck}ing {insert word sounds like Hunt} off the (Duck word again) bus!"
I should point out at this point that Roy Orbison sat quietly and took no part in the exchange.
To cut a long story short, Andy and the lady (loose, remember) in pink were ejected and we proceeded on our journey.
Sadly no other celebrity look-alike's boarded the bus, but I do believe we drove past the Fish & Chip shop where Elvis works!
As for the smells and mislaid item's ... let's just say they were memorable for all the wrong reasons!
R.I.P.And and Roy!
Showing posts with label Driver. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Driver. Show all posts
Friday, 19 October 2012
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Miwitchoo?
It was bus day today!
And guess what! Nothing happened! Nothing! Zilch!
We got on ... it moved ... it stopped ... it started ... stopped ... etc. ... we got off!
I was so unimpressed.
Where were the funny grannies? The old men? The good looking young women? Where was the rich source of blog-fodder that I'd become accustomed to?
In stead of enjoying a chuckle/eavesdrop/ogle, I was forced to sit there just looking out of the window.
I mean, c'mon! What kind of a journey is that? I was so bored that I ended up playing the 'Youwitme?' game with my client.
"Youwitme?"
"Yeah!"
"Miwitchoo?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh nooooooooo!"
We also tried the 'Miyourfren?' game, which has a similar format to 'Youwitme?'. Each game terminates with an "Oh nooooooooo!", which is, for want of a better explanation, my clients catchphrase.
It passed the time (forty minutes) even if it did raise one or two eyebrows and at least one audible "You're mad, you are!" from a spotty-faced, nerdy-type teenager.
The return journey was sadly more of the same, with one exception!
Just two stops before we were due to leave the bus, my thoughts were turned to crampons, ropes, and pink mountains as a tall, slim blonde boarded the bus. Her ample bosom caused male heads to turn and her low cut top, displaying a huge expanse of cleavage, brought forth a mumbling and an occasional tut from some of the female passengers. There was also one "Well, I never!" from a granny near the front of the bus.
The driver, momentarily in love, waited (and watched) until she had negotiated her way by wiggle and
jiggle to a seat. Up until that point the last passenger boarding at every stop had to endure being catapulted to the back of the bus (whether they wanted to be there or not) by the jerking motion of the bus pulling away from the kerb (you've gotta love a bus driver with a sense of humour!).
As she slinked her way passed us to a seat near the rear, we were briefly engulfed in the passing shadow of her bosom.
My client waved to her. She waved back.
I just wished that he'd been able to ask for her number!
He would have probably got it too!
And guess what! Nothing happened! Nothing! Zilch!
We got on ... it moved ... it stopped ... it started ... stopped ... etc. ... we got off!
I was so unimpressed.
Where were the funny grannies? The old men? The good looking young women? Where was the rich source of blog-fodder that I'd become accustomed to?
In stead of enjoying a chuckle/eavesdrop/ogle, I was forced to sit there just looking out of the window.
I mean, c'mon! What kind of a journey is that? I was so bored that I ended up playing the 'Youwitme?' game with my client.
"Youwitme?"
"Yeah!"
"Miwitchoo?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh nooooooooo!"
We also tried the 'Miyourfren?' game, which has a similar format to 'Youwitme?'. Each game terminates with an "Oh nooooooooo!", which is, for want of a better explanation, my clients catchphrase.
It passed the time (forty minutes) even if it did raise one or two eyebrows and at least one audible "You're mad, you are!" from a spotty-faced, nerdy-type teenager.
The return journey was sadly more of the same, with one exception!
Just two stops before we were due to leave the bus, my thoughts were turned to crampons, ropes, and pink mountains as a tall, slim blonde boarded the bus. Her ample bosom caused male heads to turn and her low cut top, displaying a huge expanse of cleavage, brought forth a mumbling and an occasional tut from some of the female passengers. There was also one "Well, I never!" from a granny near the front of the bus.
The driver, momentarily in love, waited (and watched) until she had negotiated her way by wiggle and
jiggle to a seat. Up until that point the last passenger boarding at every stop had to endure being catapulted to the back of the bus (whether they wanted to be there or not) by the jerking motion of the bus pulling away from the kerb (you've gotta love a bus driver with a sense of humour!).
As she slinked her way passed us to a seat near the rear, we were briefly engulfed in the passing shadow of her bosom.
My client waved to her. She waved back.
I just wished that he'd been able to ask for her number!
He would have probably got it too!
Friday, 17 February 2012
Another Bus
There must be a TWS* on every bus route.
There certainly was today. And the bus was gibbous** with passengers!
TWS's, for those unaware of their purpose, are intended to fulfil one function only; they facilitate KBOS*.
As a by-product however, they manage to generate a certain amount of PR*, which results in POP* and, if not countered effectively, eventually BRAWL*!
Too much POP = BRAWL!!!
Today we narrowly missed BRAWL (due to the passenger involved being over 80 years old) and achieved a minor BOAA* instead, which held us up for approximately five minutes.
At the WTS, the granny (let's call her Edna!) shouted to the driver "I'm getting off at the next stop! Could you please get a move on or I'll pee all over the seat".
The bus driver, without looking, shouted back "Regulations! Sorry!"
Edna at this point stood up and began a shuffling, stamping dance whilst holding her hand to her nether regions. "This is ridiculous! I'm getting off now!"
She stamped to the front of the bus and got off.
The rest of us looked on (out of the window) as Edna high-tailed it onto a patch of waste land behind the bus shelter and, still clearly visible to all of us, dropped her bag, hiked up her coat and skirt and, without regard to all and sundry, took a leak!
This prompted a number of chuckles as Edna took her unscheduled relief and more than a few verbal reprimands and derogatory comments aimed at the driver who, wrapped in his impenetrable armour otherwise known as 'regulations', ignored us entirely.
He did however allow Edna, now simultaneously blushing and seething with anger, to re-board the bus.
It was just another day on the buses.
How was your day?
* TWS = Time Wasting Stop
KBOS = Keep Bus On Schedule
PR = Passenger Resentment
POP = Pissed Off Passengers
BRAWL = Brawl
BOAA = Bit Of An Argument
** I'm so pleased I found space for this word without mentioning the moon!
There certainly was today. And the bus was gibbous** with passengers!
TWS's, for those unaware of their purpose, are intended to fulfil one function only; they facilitate KBOS*.
As a by-product however, they manage to generate a certain amount of PR*, which results in POP* and, if not countered effectively, eventually BRAWL*!
Too much POP = BRAWL!!!
Today we narrowly missed BRAWL (due to the passenger involved being over 80 years old) and achieved a minor BOAA* instead, which held us up for approximately five minutes.
At the WTS, the granny (let's call her Edna!) shouted to the driver "I'm getting off at the next stop! Could you please get a move on or I'll pee all over the seat".
The bus driver, without looking, shouted back "Regulations! Sorry!"
Edna at this point stood up and began a shuffling, stamping dance whilst holding her hand to her nether regions. "This is ridiculous! I'm getting off now!"
She stamped to the front of the bus and got off.
The rest of us looked on (out of the window) as Edna high-tailed it onto a patch of waste land behind the bus shelter and, still clearly visible to all of us, dropped her bag, hiked up her coat and skirt and, without regard to all and sundry, took a leak!
This prompted a number of chuckles as Edna took her unscheduled relief and more than a few verbal reprimands and derogatory comments aimed at the driver who, wrapped in his impenetrable armour otherwise known as 'regulations', ignored us entirely.
He did however allow Edna, now simultaneously blushing and seething with anger, to re-board the bus.
It was just another day on the buses.
How was your day?
* TWS = Time Wasting Stop
KBOS = Keep Bus On Schedule
PR = Passenger Resentment
POP = Pissed Off Passengers
BRAWL = Brawl
BOAA = Bit Of An Argument
** I'm so pleased I found space for this word without mentioning the moon!
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