Doctor, Doctor!

I have been under the weather lately. My hypochondria has taken a turn for the worst.

As usual, I save all my 'complaints' up until I have enough to be able to grab the doctors attention and hold it, just long enough, to get a sick note out of him.

So I went to see him last week.

"How many have you got today?" he asked as he checked his watch.

"Not many ... four maybe ... if you don't count the bone, that is" I replied.

"Bone? You've broken a bone?"

"No!" I said. "I've swallowed one".

"Are you choking?" he asked looking concerned.

"No! I really did swallow a bone!"

He was not impressed with my levity and checked his watch again.

"Have you anything serious that you would like me to check?" he asked as he tapped a little rubber hammer on his desktop.

"My nose keeps running!" I mumbled.

"Stick you foot out and trip it up! Next?"

I proceeded to tell him that I had wind ... he gave me a kite!

"What else have you got?"

"Well" I said. "Those pills you gave me for BO ..."

"Don't tell me"he interrupted. "They keep falling out of your armpits, right?"

"Awww! C'mon doc. Your ruining my best material!" I complained

He then spoke to me in capital letters!

"HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?"

"'s"" I whimpered, unaccustomed to his manner.

"Tell me!"

So I told him (I ain't telling you lot!).

He wrote me a prescription.

"Is that it?" he asked as he handed it over.

"One more thing" I said. "I keep hearing Irish voices. They seem to come from stomach".

"Ah! Stomach Ulsters!" he replied as he frog-marched me out of the door.

"I also have constant deja vu experiences!" I shrieked.

"That's because I throw you out of here at the same time every Monday of every week!" he shouted in my ear.

I won't go and see him again ...

... until next Monday.

Anyone got any silly one-liners I could use?

Dribbling; Middle Ground Warriors

I don't consider myself to be a'loser' but, on the other hand, I am still a long way short of being a 'winner'.

There seems to be a 'middle ground' in which 'comfortability' has to be worked hard for, and 'hard-done-by-ability' is always only the thickness of a hair away. and I seem to have landed in it!

Should you be one of those occupying this 'gap' with me, you will be well aware that rewards are few and far between and those that you do get are often are those of your own making.

Keeping afloat, to many, is it's own reward but for others, the reward could be anything from a bar of chocolate to a monthly trip to a good restaurant.

Luck is not something people in this category have great experience of.

I don't mean that they (we) don't count ourselves as being lucky ... we are ... in our own little ways, even  though we may never be lotto winners or heirs to vast fortunes, we get along just fine.

We cope.

And we keep smiling even though at times the urge to disembowel someone is strong ... very, very strong.

In case you haven't guessed, this is one of those times when random ramblings dribble like the spittle in the corner of Jack Nicholson's mouth (You know! When he played that crazy janitor in that film ... what ever it was called).

Christmas Spirit is not something I am full of today, but I can assure you, I am not in the mood to go around taking an axe to peoples doors ... yet!

So where was I?

Oh, yes!

I, like many others, am  stuck in the 'middle ground' between being a 'winner' or a 'loser'!

It's a bit like being stuck in a revolving door ... you go round and round, but at least you don't break a leg doing it!
 
So to all my fellow 'middle grounders' I would just like to say ...

keep your chins up and have a very merry Christmas!


and remember ...

Nil illegitimi Carborundum!