About This Blog

This blog was originally started as a thread on the forum pages of an animal rescue site. Now it's here!

The articles you find in here are purely for entertainment (yours and mine) and (with one or two exceptions) are all tongue-in-cheek chronicles of the World (my bit, anyway) as I see it.
No disrespect is intended towards anyone unless I make a mistake and make it too obvious.

I hope you enjoy my offerings. Feedback and comments of any kind are welcome.


Showing posts with label winter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label winter. Show all posts

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Snot What I Was Expecting!

It was cold last night.

And I made the mistake of taking Clover for a late walk.

Over the past few evenings the weather has been mild with temperatures of around 5º or 6º C so I didn't think it was going to be so damned cold!

Although I was well wrapped up, there were tell-tale signs of the air's true nature.

In less than a minute my nose began to ...shall we say leak?

I put my hand into my coat pocket to take out the pack of tissues that I always keep there and found myself engaged in a tussle with the pockets lining, which seemed intent on holding onto them.

As I struggled (I really should have removed my gloves, but it was so cold), my runny nose began to prickle.  I felt rather than heard a crackling and pinging in my nostrils as my snot began to freeze.

I redoubled my efforts to liberate my tissues, accidentally tearing the pockets lining in the process.

It was no good!  The glove had to come off!

Once the packet was freed from the depths of pockets, a solitary tissue was extracted and I began to tidy the effluence from my nose.
     

        Effluence:  meaning 'a substance that flows out from something'. 
                           In this instance, however, the flow had ceased and had
                           become a frozen, snotty bridge between my nostrils and
                           my moustache


O-o-o-o-oh!

As I blew my nose a mini iceberg was ejected from my nasal passage.

The pain! The pain!

I decided to cut short our walk and I headed home with Clover.

Once safely back inside I decided to inspect the damage to my nose.

As I looked in the mirror I was horrified to see that pieces of  tissue had frozen to my moustache.

GOD!

On my walk back home I had passed at least four people!

The shame!

In our street I would forever be known as the man with tissue frozen to his top lip.

And this morning?

My nose still bloody hurts!

Monday, 3 December 2012

'm 'ld You Deaf Ba$ta%d!

Every married man has been through this at some stage.

It happens every winter in millions of homes across the world and is, or could be, the reason for many a divorce.

It is a short exchange that takes place in the bedroom on a winters night after the lights go out it goes something like this:

Wife:          'm 'ld!

Husband:   What?

Wife:          'm 'ld!

 Husband:   What? What'd you say?

 Wife:         'm 'old!

 Husband:   You're old?

 Wife:         I'M COLD! You deaf bastard! Need a c'dle!

 Husband:   You need a what?

 Wife:         FOR F&%KS SAKE! I need a cuddle!

At this point a dutiful husband will sacrifice his own warmth and slide across the bed. He will endeavour to wrap himself around his wife and valiantly attempt to emulate the effects of an electric blanket, knowing full well that very soon his efforts will be rejected thus:


Wife:          'm 't!

Husband:   What?

Wife:          'm 't!

 Husband:   What the hell are you on about?

 Wife:         'm 'ot!

 Husband:   You're not what?

 Wife:         I'M HOT! Are you deliberately trying to wind me up? 'sh 'ff!

 Husband:   What?

 Wife:         PUSH OFF! Leave me alone! You grumpy git!


It takes a strong minded man to brush this off, roll over and go to sleep!

I know!

I do this almost every night!